Guys - if you didnt know me, you wouldnt believe the story I am about to tell you. But i swear to you, this is totally true. And it happened to me last weekend.
Thanksgiving was great, I made the feast with a few twists, and it was really lovely. 2 things you need to know: 1) last weekend was the Bar Mitzvah of my cousin in Indianapolis so 90 of us descended on that poor town for the festivities. 2) on Monday I found a weird, painful lump on my rear right thigh...an inconvenient location for such ativities as walking, standing, sitting, laying down... you know. It was about the size of a bee bite, and stingy painful so i put on some anti-itch stuff and went about my business.
By Wednesday, my parasite was larger, more painful and i finally went to the Dr (while my soup and cornbread were up) and got some antibiotics, apparently it was an abscess - like a boil (biblical times come alive!) which is caused by a skin infection. Okeledokele.
Friday morning at 3:00am we get up to go fly to Indy, after all the triptophen we ate, its amazing we were even awake. We flew to Detroit where our connection was promptly cancelled and we were stranded in Detroit airport, panicking about renting cars and driving (5 hour trip) or waiting for the next flight (3 hour wait) and hoping that one can get off the ground. After all that drama, we waited and were able to leave Detroit (not a fun airport) and got to Indy at about 2pm. I took a shower at 3:30 and noticed that my alien being residing in my thigh was about golf ball size, just as hard, painful to the touch and radiating redness about the size of a softball all over my thigh.
off to the ER we went. Not a typical ER, mind you, a down home, Indiana style Chop-Shop ER, where people come when their tractors ran over their toes. And after 3 hours waiting in the waiting room, and additional hour in the exam room waiting for the doctor, where to pass the time we sang "Kumbaya My Lord" and other meaningful songs, I was given 10 shots of novicaine in my thigh and he cut open the abscess, drained the blood and pus, and scraped my skin of the hives the bacteria had formed underneath (Note: this paragraph is not for the faint of heart - well, its too late i suppose) By the way, I FELT IT ALL and it was EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL. You see, when the bacteria infects your body, it raises the level of acidity in your system. Novicaine is effective when your PH is balanced or slightly basic, ergo i was in DEEP DOO DOO.
Guys - i know its funny. Really, this story is unbelievable and i wouldnt believe it myself if it wasnt me that it happened to. But it was painful and traumatic and i was shaking with reaction and pain the rest of the weekend. shaking, tembling, my bones were knocking together so hard i was sure you could hear it if you stood close enough to me.
at 4:00am sunday we flew back to NY (Thank you Expedia for the stellar travel arrangements!) and i went to my dr who referred me to a surgeon who has been monitoring me all week because the incision is STILL OPEN and DRAINING ICKY BACTERIAL PUS. sounds exciting, no? they cant stitch it up till its out, because otherwise it will make a new mound. So..... I was out of work till today (depression that i had to go back at all *sigh*) and I am still sleeping on my stomach. Sitting has gotten a little less uncomfortable.
I am allowed to shower now too (hallelujah!). Yesterday was my first shower since Friday and maaaaaaaaan! was that orgasmic! now i have to shower 2x a day to let the stuff run out of the open wound. I'm gonna nominate this surgeon for some hygenic award or another when i get around to it:)
anyways, thats why I've been out of touch. And see, i sat long enough to write this, so that must mean i am on the mend. :)
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
My Fair Lady - a head-scratching ending
I have seen this movie a few times in my life. Safely, I would say 5 or 6 times. And not recently. Since I was home sick, I put it on to watch, as I love Audrey Hepburn, who I think is the most beautiful woman who ever lived, and the outfits are outrageously artistic.
I understand the story is based on the myth of Pygmalion and Galatea, and the screenplay is based on the play "Pygmalion" but I am still totally baffled by the ending. And though I thought that as an older, wiser person who has experienced Love, perhaps I'd understand better the whole last part after the ball where she moves out (to where, one wonders) and she confronts him in the garden at his mothers house, then shows up at his house and he asks her for his slippers.
I'm sorry, WHAT?! You lost me on the sharp, right turn out there. So if you happen to know what I mean, please respond and explain to me how that ending makes any sense at all. In my experience with human relationships, that doesn't make a stitch of sense to me.
I understand the story is based on the myth of Pygmalion and Galatea, and the screenplay is based on the play "Pygmalion" but I am still totally baffled by the ending. And though I thought that as an older, wiser person who has experienced Love, perhaps I'd understand better the whole last part after the ball where she moves out (to where, one wonders) and she confronts him in the garden at his mothers house, then shows up at his house and he asks her for his slippers.
I'm sorry, WHAT?! You lost me on the sharp, right turn out there. So if you happen to know what I mean, please respond and explain to me how that ending makes any sense at all. In my experience with human relationships, that doesn't make a stitch of sense to me.
Chewy's Movie Review #3 - Deja Vu
Comment: Another weird ending!
Mood: Stale
Rating: 6/10
I saw the movie Deja Vu this Saturday night. Wow. I'm on some kind of roll here. This is the third movie in a row that I have qualms about the ending of the movie. I hope I get off of this unlucky streak soon.
This movie is ok. As usual, director Tony Scott has his unique style of shooting the film "at work" which I really enjoy. There are certain parts of the story which are cool like the police having a survellience system set up that they can go 4 days in the past and recreate everything that's going on in a 180 degree radius of a particular area. Which means that they can see everything that goes on and hear everything in that entire area (don't forget people that this is a sci-fi movie). I mean think about how many more crimes would be solved if the police actually had this kind of technology! It's just that some parts of the movie are real filler and others (including the ending) make absolutely no sense. I also would have liked Jim caviezel's character to have been a little more than your typical Class A psycho. Denzel is fun to watch as usual but his charisma alone unfortunately cannot save this movie from being more than just ok.
Mood: Stale
Rating: 6/10
I saw the movie Deja Vu this Saturday night. Wow. I'm on some kind of roll here. This is the third movie in a row that I have qualms about the ending of the movie. I hope I get off of this unlucky streak soon.
This movie is ok. As usual, director Tony Scott has his unique style of shooting the film "at work" which I really enjoy. There are certain parts of the story which are cool like the police having a survellience system set up that they can go 4 days in the past and recreate everything that's going on in a 180 degree radius of a particular area. Which means that they can see everything that goes on and hear everything in that entire area (don't forget people that this is a sci-fi movie). I mean think about how many more crimes would be solved if the police actually had this kind of technology! It's just that some parts of the movie are real filler and others (including the ending) make absolutely no sense. I also would have liked Jim caviezel's character to have been a little more than your typical Class A psycho. Denzel is fun to watch as usual but his charisma alone unfortunately cannot save this movie from being more than just ok.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Chewy's Movie Review #2 - Happy Feet
Comment: Coulda Been Truly Great
MOOD: Grumpy
Rating: 7/10
Happy Feet (2006) This is a hard one to review. For most of the movie I truly thought this was going to be one of the greatest animated films I had ever seen. The characters really appealed to me, it was very funny, the animation is probably the best I have EVER seen!!! But the end was a mess. I understand that the filmakers were trying to convey an important message but the way that it was delivered really hurt the film. I felt like I had jumped from one movie to an entirely different one and I didn't like the second film much at all. Also the music wasn't very good (a few of the songs were not appropiate for an animated movie at all!). Listen up filmakers: Take the seriousness down a few notches next time!All in all this was a good movie however and I would recommend seeing it in the theaters for the CGI alone. If that dosen't mean much to you then wait for video.
MOOD: Grumpy
Rating: 7/10
Happy Feet (2006) This is a hard one to review. For most of the movie I truly thought this was going to be one of the greatest animated films I had ever seen. The characters really appealed to me, it was very funny, the animation is probably the best I have EVER seen!!! But the end was a mess. I understand that the filmakers were trying to convey an important message but the way that it was delivered really hurt the film. I felt like I had jumped from one movie to an entirely different one and I didn't like the second film much at all. Also the music wasn't very good (a few of the songs were not appropiate for an animated movie at all!). Listen up filmakers: Take the seriousness down a few notches next time!All in all this was a good movie however and I would recommend seeing it in the theaters for the CGI alone. If that dosen't mean much to you then wait for video.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
My Own Movie Review - Happy Feet
Comment: A Good Movie!
Mood: Pleasantly surprised!
Rating: 8/10
Chewbacca and I went to see Happy Feet, the animated movie about a penguin who was born without a heart-song and is shunned by the community though he was able to express himself through tap dancing.
Here are my thoughts, per the different hats I wear:
1) voice animator hat - I liked the movie alot - it was beautifully done in animation, with heavy doses of inspiration from "March of the Penguins" (another fabulous, gorgeous movie). The voices were well cast, and the soundtrack was nicely woven with music from a number of different genres.
2) conservationist hat - I *loved* the message of this movie. It had a perfect educational zinger about littering/food chain/conservation/endangered species. And I appreciate the message that you are supposed to walk away with.
3) movie goer hat - I loved the movie - BUT the ending was awkward, heavy-handed and abrupt. Though the message is terriffic (see above) the execution was choppy and unbelievable. It is unrealistic to portray issues of conservation, fishing rights and pollution as being resolved in a relatively short period of time.
All in all, there were some really interesting theological aspects to this, like the basis of worship in the penguin community (though a little too much gratuitous Christian symbolism for my taste overall), good music, sweeping, beautiful animation, great characters and a good storyline.
The ending is my only discontent with the movie, but I still recommend it highly!
Mood: Pleasantly surprised!
Rating: 8/10
Chewbacca and I went to see Happy Feet, the animated movie about a penguin who was born without a heart-song and is shunned by the community though he was able to express himself through tap dancing.
Here are my thoughts, per the different hats I wear:
1) voice animator hat - I liked the movie alot - it was beautifully done in animation, with heavy doses of inspiration from "March of the Penguins" (another fabulous, gorgeous movie). The voices were well cast, and the soundtrack was nicely woven with music from a number of different genres.
2) conservationist hat - I *loved* the message of this movie. It had a perfect educational zinger about littering/food chain/conservation/endangered species. And I appreciate the message that you are supposed to walk away with.
3) movie goer hat - I loved the movie - BUT the ending was awkward, heavy-handed and abrupt. Though the message is terriffic (see above) the execution was choppy and unbelievable. It is unrealistic to portray issues of conservation, fishing rights and pollution as being resolved in a relatively short period of time.
All in all, there were some really interesting theological aspects to this, like the basis of worship in the penguin community (though a little too much gratuitous Christian symbolism for my taste overall), good music, sweeping, beautiful animation, great characters and a good storyline.
The ending is my only discontent with the movie, but I still recommend it highly!
Thursday, November 2, 2006
Chewy's Movie Review #1 - The Departed
COMMENT: One of the worst endings to a movie ever!
MOOD: Frustrated
RATING: 2/10
The Departed (2006) - I was very excited to go and see this film. It has a great cast. It was directed by the same man who brought us Goodfellas (probably my favorite mob movie of all time btw!). The previews looked amazing. Unfortunately you will only walk away from this movie VERY disappointed! For the first good while I was excited. It started slow and then grew very interesting by the mid mark. I was thinking that it was going to be a great movie. But all of the buildup goes absolutely nowhere by the end of this film! It has one of the WORST endings I have ever seen! Talk about a total anticlimatic joykill! I should have been somewhat forewarned with Scorcsese's recent track record. His last several movies have been pretty crappy as well. I however, love a good crime drama and after seeing the previews and reading all of the amazing reviews I felt that I had to go see this. I mean are all of the critics today on crack or what? Anyway, don't waste your money on the theater and don't bother renting this.
Check out Chewy's Movie Blog here
MOOD: Frustrated
RATING: 2/10
The Departed (2006) - I was very excited to go and see this film. It has a great cast. It was directed by the same man who brought us Goodfellas (probably my favorite mob movie of all time btw!). The previews looked amazing. Unfortunately you will only walk away from this movie VERY disappointed! For the first good while I was excited. It started slow and then grew very interesting by the mid mark. I was thinking that it was going to be a great movie. But all of the buildup goes absolutely nowhere by the end of this film! It has one of the WORST endings I have ever seen! Talk about a total anticlimatic joykill! I should have been somewhat forewarned with Scorcsese's recent track record. His last several movies have been pretty crappy as well. I however, love a good crime drama and after seeing the previews and reading all of the amazing reviews I felt that I had to go see this. I mean are all of the critics today on crack or what? Anyway, don't waste your money on the theater and don't bother renting this.
Check out Chewy's Movie Blog here
Sunday, October 29, 2006
10 year closure
October 29, 2006
Make a note of it - This is an important historical date. It’s not going to show up in any textbooks. But history was made that day. Though when I think about it, its probably more like 15 year closure.
Mom and I had “The Talk” tonight. The subject was one that we skirt around, try to ignore, pretend it didn’t happen, and harbor all kinds of pain, anger and resentment about.
Our “break-up”.
Though in my case, I’d say, “My Disowning and Subsequent Expulsion From the Family”. I can’t speak for my mom, so I don’t know what pet name she’d refer to it by, but I can imagine it would be something along the lines of “That Time When My Heart Broke and I Lost My Daughter”. Or something. Dunno.
But she brought it up. She needed closure, and as I move on with my life, there will be less opportunities to discuss these things without other people around, etc. So she’d like me to tell her my side of the story - what happened. I resisted at first, because I felt like it would destroy the rapport we’ve worked so hard to build by going into that deep, dark pit of madness. I didn’t want to argue, assign blame and go back there. But she said she’d listen, not invalidate my feelings or thoughts, and not argue or deny, but listen and accept. So I plunged in and without embellishment, told her about That Time. The Dark Ages. The Expulsion. The loss of Trust. The Betrayal...the whole 9 yards. And I didn’t soften it, but I didn’t dwell in it either.
And she listened. Accepted. Heard me out. And apologized.
Apologized!
Those of you who know me and what I have been through could scoff and say that an apology does not even begin to repair the damage...but I disagree. More than anything, I always wanted someone to understand what I was saying, thinking, explaining. It’s ok if we didn’t agree, but the most frustrating part of my life is when people don’t understand me and I feel like I am talking to the walls. Her apology meant to me that she understood the pain she caused, the letdown, the failure as a parent to truly get to know me and meet my needs. And she said as much, which I was tremendously proud of her for, and also very, very touched.
I can’t really express the emotions we barreled through - fear, sadness, grief, pain, compassion, elation, love, nostalgia. It was a good talk, and healed so much for both of us, and it was less scary than I was expecting, which was nice. Though just as emotionally draining, which is ok.
I’m telling you this, so you can bear witness to the historical date of October 29, 2006.
Earthshattering moments should be shared.
Make a note of it - This is an important historical date. It’s not going to show up in any textbooks. But history was made that day. Though when I think about it, its probably more like 15 year closure.
Mom and I had “The Talk” tonight. The subject was one that we skirt around, try to ignore, pretend it didn’t happen, and harbor all kinds of pain, anger and resentment about.
Our “break-up”.
Though in my case, I’d say, “My Disowning and Subsequent Expulsion From the Family”. I can’t speak for my mom, so I don’t know what pet name she’d refer to it by, but I can imagine it would be something along the lines of “That Time When My Heart Broke and I Lost My Daughter”. Or something. Dunno.
But she brought it up. She needed closure, and as I move on with my life, there will be less opportunities to discuss these things without other people around, etc. So she’d like me to tell her my side of the story - what happened. I resisted at first, because I felt like it would destroy the rapport we’ve worked so hard to build by going into that deep, dark pit of madness. I didn’t want to argue, assign blame and go back there. But she said she’d listen, not invalidate my feelings or thoughts, and not argue or deny, but listen and accept. So I plunged in and without embellishment, told her about That Time. The Dark Ages. The Expulsion. The loss of Trust. The Betrayal...the whole 9 yards. And I didn’t soften it, but I didn’t dwell in it either.
And she listened. Accepted. Heard me out. And apologized.
Apologized!
Those of you who know me and what I have been through could scoff and say that an apology does not even begin to repair the damage...but I disagree. More than anything, I always wanted someone to understand what I was saying, thinking, explaining. It’s ok if we didn’t agree, but the most frustrating part of my life is when people don’t understand me and I feel like I am talking to the walls. Her apology meant to me that she understood the pain she caused, the letdown, the failure as a parent to truly get to know me and meet my needs. And she said as much, which I was tremendously proud of her for, and also very, very touched.
I can’t really express the emotions we barreled through - fear, sadness, grief, pain, compassion, elation, love, nostalgia. It was a good talk, and healed so much for both of us, and it was less scary than I was expecting, which was nice. Though just as emotionally draining, which is ok.
I’m telling you this, so you can bear witness to the historical date of October 29, 2006.
Earthshattering moments should be shared.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Bible Mishaps - (be very afraid)
A friend of a friend is working as a proofreader for a company that publishes Bibles (New Testament). She has compiled a list of some of the funniest typos she's found, which I am posting here...
"And yo, you are worth much more than the birds."
"This glorifies God's power to flee his people"
"God's renown, character, immorality, and perfection all make him uniquely great."
"God's presence was the only guarantee that his people would be safe from their enemas."
"Home is where inhabitants are neutered without suffocation for who they are."
"God has total power over Stan and his evil forces."
"God explained the Day of Stonement to his people."
"This chapter records what might be the saddest event in the history of Israel, surpissed only by the crucifixion of Jesus."
"For more information on this topic, visit sickipedia.org. "
"When a time lapse complicates your emotions about what God promised, he sends reminders, grits, and encouragement to bolster your faith."
"Moses could have set the scene for God to get all the attention once water flowered from the rock."
"This was still the case when God chose Mary to beat the Son of God."
"...The Who truly respected the Lord."
"God's chosen people were gifted with sound, quality advice from their Marker."
"But ladies like Abigail, Samuel and Esther used their beauty for good."
"With loose change and gently used donations, you can support thrift stores, food panties, child sponsorships, refugee services, or countless other ministries."
"God loves seeing his people use the talents he gave them for his horror."
"The people had evidently accepted the outpouring of God's blessing and fellowship as aight, not a privilege."
"Like an ox gorged with fog, they were lazy, stubborn, and unwilling to serve God."
"My lover skips upon the mountains... "
"The listeners described in our text respond to the Worm of God with their emotions."
"People react to God's promises on many elves."
"The Weed must permeate the foundations of our lives."
"Otherwise the same superficial excitement of a swift decision will poot the truth to the side." "He had to provide leadership for his own fearful and complaining pole."
"Try meditating on the Weird of God."
"This behavior molds our character nerd guides our footsteps."
"And yo, you are worth much more than the birds."
"This glorifies God's power to flee his people"
"God's renown, character, immorality, and perfection all make him uniquely great."
"God's presence was the only guarantee that his people would be safe from their enemas."
"Home is where inhabitants are neutered without suffocation for who they are."
"God has total power over Stan and his evil forces."
"God explained the Day of Stonement to his people."
"This chapter records what might be the saddest event in the history of Israel, surpissed only by the crucifixion of Jesus."
"For more information on this topic, visit sickipedia.org. "
"When a time lapse complicates your emotions about what God promised, he sends reminders, grits, and encouragement to bolster your faith."
"Moses could have set the scene for God to get all the attention once water flowered from the rock."
"This was still the case when God chose Mary to beat the Son of God."
"...The Who truly respected the Lord."
"God's chosen people were gifted with sound, quality advice from their Marker."
"But ladies like Abigail, Samuel and Esther used their beauty for good."
"With loose change and gently used donations, you can support thrift stores, food panties, child sponsorships, refugee services, or countless other ministries."
"God loves seeing his people use the talents he gave them for his horror."
"The people had evidently accepted the outpouring of God's blessing and fellowship as aight, not a privilege."
"Like an ox gorged with fog, they were lazy, stubborn, and unwilling to serve God."
"My lover skips upon the mountains... "
"The listeners described in our text respond to the Worm of God with their emotions."
"People react to God's promises on many elves."
"The Weed must permeate the foundations of our lives."
"Otherwise the same superficial excitement of a swift decision will poot the truth to the side." "He had to provide leadership for his own fearful and complaining pole."
"Try meditating on the Weird of God."
"This behavior molds our character nerd guides our footsteps."
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Whirling Dervishes
I love that phrase. Say it ten times, fast.
But that's really what the past few weeks have felt like. I keep thinking of tornadoes, waterspouts, hurricanes, tumbleweed.... Things that the wind whips up and makes move around at a dizzying pace and then abruptly sets down in chaos and disarrray.
Yup, that pretty much describes the past few weeks. (You know, it occurs to me that I have no idea if it has literally BEEN a few weeks or it just feels interminable that way.)
Here's the list - since I don't know that I have enough time to actually get into it all:
1) Travel to Ohio to visit a sick friend (I hate Detroit Airport!!!)
2) Endure her determined efforts to recruit me to Rabbinical School (No, I'm not interested)
3) Sick boyfriend which scares and panics me (a whole 'nother post I'm sure, to figure out the roots of that reaction to his relatively common, though painful pinched nerve)
4) Fun wedding last night where ghosts of my past manifest themselves in people at the wedding who I haven't seen or heard from in upwards of 13 years.
5) Re-discovery of another old friend popping out of the woodwork - which is cool.
6) Work sucks.
7) Have to finish making scarves to sell at Holiday Boutiques (Chanukkah)
8) Needs Assessment in Zambia - don't ask, it's like the big white elephant I am pretending I can't see in front of me.
9) One friends' break-up. One friends' miracle pregnancy (we are at 7 weeks!)
10) Wanting to go to Israel. Ireland. Zambia. Madagascar. Australia. The Moon.
I feel kind of overwhelmed actually. I havent been sleeping and so that makes me achy, tired and a little cranky, to be honest. I have some life choices I need to take care of (like finding a JOB) and I dont have the energy for it. I'd love to actually go away and relax, as opposed to the traveling I have been doing recently which is always to DO something or SEE someone. It's not over yet, Thanksgiving I have to go to Indy for a family Bar Mitzvah. And I have to leave Chewbacca behind which makes me annoyed and anxious.
I think it would be nice to breathe. Don't you?
Sometimes I look at my calendar and am amazed and appalled at how much I take on. I can't even find one stupid weekend to go away to DC to visit friends and hang out.
I think that what I really need, is a hot toddy and a good night's sleep, a calm weekend with no overbooking of activities, some hot cocoa and Chewy, hanging out in pajamas all day, and time.
Anyone willing to take bets on how much of that I can actually do?
But that's really what the past few weeks have felt like. I keep thinking of tornadoes, waterspouts, hurricanes, tumbleweed.... Things that the wind whips up and makes move around at a dizzying pace and then abruptly sets down in chaos and disarrray.
Yup, that pretty much describes the past few weeks. (You know, it occurs to me that I have no idea if it has literally BEEN a few weeks or it just feels interminable that way.)
Here's the list - since I don't know that I have enough time to actually get into it all:
1) Travel to Ohio to visit a sick friend (I hate Detroit Airport!!!)
2) Endure her determined efforts to recruit me to Rabbinical School (No, I'm not interested)
3) Sick boyfriend which scares and panics me (a whole 'nother post I'm sure, to figure out the roots of that reaction to his relatively common, though painful pinched nerve)
4) Fun wedding last night where ghosts of my past manifest themselves in people at the wedding who I haven't seen or heard from in upwards of 13 years.
5) Re-discovery of another old friend popping out of the woodwork - which is cool.
6) Work sucks.
7) Have to finish making scarves to sell at Holiday Boutiques (Chanukkah)
8) Needs Assessment in Zambia - don't ask, it's like the big white elephant I am pretending I can't see in front of me.
9) One friends' break-up. One friends' miracle pregnancy (we are at 7 weeks!)
10) Wanting to go to Israel. Ireland. Zambia. Madagascar. Australia. The Moon.
I feel kind of overwhelmed actually. I havent been sleeping and so that makes me achy, tired and a little cranky, to be honest. I have some life choices I need to take care of (like finding a JOB) and I dont have the energy for it. I'd love to actually go away and relax, as opposed to the traveling I have been doing recently which is always to DO something or SEE someone. It's not over yet, Thanksgiving I have to go to Indy for a family Bar Mitzvah. And I have to leave Chewbacca behind which makes me annoyed and anxious.
I think it would be nice to breathe. Don't you?
Sometimes I look at my calendar and am amazed and appalled at how much I take on. I can't even find one stupid weekend to go away to DC to visit friends and hang out.
I think that what I really need, is a hot toddy and a good night's sleep, a calm weekend with no overbooking of activities, some hot cocoa and Chewy, hanging out in pajamas all day, and time.
Anyone willing to take bets on how much of that I can actually do?
Wednesday, October 4, 2006
Almost Less Homeless
Yesterday I did something totally compulsive, and as I did I felt really adult, and really REAL, but also kind of silly and what-the-hell-am-I-doing. I went to see an apartment - though it turned out not to be an apartment, but the entire ground floor of a sweet little house, on a quiet dead end street.
I'll back up. I've been feeling that restless need-my-own-space thing again. It's been a year and change and I need to move on, get my own space going, nest in it, decorate and cook and be in MY bat-cave. So I halfheartedly have been surfing around classifieds and realtors and stuff, looking at what rents are about. And yesterday I got a hit.
So - on a whim, I called the realtor and made up to go see the place during lunch. Which was about 15 minutes later.
I go to their office, which is a little hole in the wall tucked away between a bank and a gas station. The place stinks like stale cigarette smoke and the sign in the window lists the Licensed Realtor as a man. But when I go in, there are 2 women there, a mother/daughter team I later figure out, who share the last name as that licensed realtor, but are not men. So I dont really know if they are licensed. Weird. So I file that observation away. And they are both smoking in my face when I come in, which I found rude and lazy.
Now, I had spoken on the phone with a woman whose voice is so ruined by cigarettes that her age is completely unable to be determined. She also lacks people skills, phone skills, and when I met her, fashion skills - except the lugged out Infiniti she drives which I found interesting, and gaudy. The agreement was that if I were to rent through them I needed to pay a fee of 10% of one year's rent to them. That was about $1680. Explains the infiniti...
We drive to the house. (After she got lost, asked for directions, and then got lost again before finding it - this after she was gushing all about it and how it looks, when it became quickly obvious she'd never ever been there - Third Strike) Ok - so now that I have set you up to understand how much I instantly didn't like or trust this Realtor - we get to the house.
It is airy, bright, lots of windows, nice paint job with nice colors, a private back porch, large backyard, driveway and private side entrance, and storage in half the basement, gorgeous wooden flooring in the dining/room area, washer and dryer hookup, a nice eat-in kitchen with wonderful amounts of cabinets and counterspace and a large king-sized bedroom with an odd little alcove/room off to the side of it to be used as a nursery, or computer room. The weird parts were the location of the only bathroom (near the back door off the kitchen) and the closets (in the hall near the front door), and the fact that I had to bring my own fridge (?).
I truly loved the space. I loved the yard, the large kitchen, the feeling of Homeyness that you don't quite get in an apartment, the owner was a nice older woman who seemed very sweet.
But I really didn't like the Realtor, and when it came down to it, the layout was really odd, and I haven't really gotten a handle on what I can afford in terms of rent + utilities + Life. And in the end, I balked. But for a little while, I was almost less homeless. And that was a nice feeling.
I'll back up. I've been feeling that restless need-my-own-space thing again. It's been a year and change and I need to move on, get my own space going, nest in it, decorate and cook and be in MY bat-cave. So I halfheartedly have been surfing around classifieds and realtors and stuff, looking at what rents are about. And yesterday I got a hit.
So - on a whim, I called the realtor and made up to go see the place during lunch. Which was about 15 minutes later.
I go to their office, which is a little hole in the wall tucked away between a bank and a gas station. The place stinks like stale cigarette smoke and the sign in the window lists the Licensed Realtor as a man. But when I go in, there are 2 women there, a mother/daughter team I later figure out, who share the last name as that licensed realtor, but are not men. So I dont really know if they are licensed. Weird. So I file that observation away. And they are both smoking in my face when I come in, which I found rude and lazy.
Now, I had spoken on the phone with a woman whose voice is so ruined by cigarettes that her age is completely unable to be determined. She also lacks people skills, phone skills, and when I met her, fashion skills - except the lugged out Infiniti she drives which I found interesting, and gaudy. The agreement was that if I were to rent through them I needed to pay a fee of 10% of one year's rent to them. That was about $1680. Explains the infiniti...
We drive to the house. (After she got lost, asked for directions, and then got lost again before finding it - this after she was gushing all about it and how it looks, when it became quickly obvious she'd never ever been there - Third Strike) Ok - so now that I have set you up to understand how much I instantly didn't like or trust this Realtor - we get to the house.
It is airy, bright, lots of windows, nice paint job with nice colors, a private back porch, large backyard, driveway and private side entrance, and storage in half the basement, gorgeous wooden flooring in the dining/room area, washer and dryer hookup, a nice eat-in kitchen with wonderful amounts of cabinets and counterspace and a large king-sized bedroom with an odd little alcove/room off to the side of it to be used as a nursery, or computer room. The weird parts were the location of the only bathroom (near the back door off the kitchen) and the closets (in the hall near the front door), and the fact that I had to bring my own fridge (?).
I truly loved the space. I loved the yard, the large kitchen, the feeling of Homeyness that you don't quite get in an apartment, the owner was a nice older woman who seemed very sweet.
But I really didn't like the Realtor, and when it came down to it, the layout was really odd, and I haven't really gotten a handle on what I can afford in terms of rent + utilities + Life. And in the end, I balked. But for a little while, I was almost less homeless. And that was a nice feeling.
Tuesday, October 3, 2006
Yom Kippur Blues
Boston is a really cool town. In some ways it’s so pretentious. In others, it's so totally laid back.
Forget politics. I don’t care about that. The history, the harbor, the frou-frou colleges, the squashed together townhouses in old brick that manage to look statesmanlike instead of hunched over and old. I really like Boston. It resonates somewhere in my American Soul, which I find totally strange because I didn’t think I really HAD an American Soul. But there’s something in the architecture, history and aura there that really touches me somewhere deep.
Yesterday was Yom Kippur. I spent my Day of Awe/Day of Atonement not really in a state Awe or Atonement, but it was still a profound experience. And I was in Boston. (Hence, the connection to the previous paragraph). My friend and I were leading services for upwards of 300 people. In my naivete, I somehow decided that there would only be 10 people there so it was ok if I messed up or anything. Boy was I wrong. 370 people filed in for the Kol Nidre service - which is the single most well-known Jewish prayer in the world. Actually, if you look at the words, its a legal formula that annuls any oaths and vows one may have made to God over the year. But the tune, which has been around since before the 8th century, is so stirring, and so solemn, with a gravity that belies my flippant way of describing the soul-quivering sounds of a good cantor singing the prayer.
Growing up, Yom Kippur was frightening to me, in an awe-inspiring way. I somehow believed that God was specifically paying attention to ME and MY SINS this one day, and that I was truly on trial for my choices and actions of the previous year. Not only that, there was the added stress of knowing that how well I prayed in this 27 hour period would determine how successful/happy/accomplished/healthy/etc my upcoming year would then be. Talk about pressure. But by the end of the fast, if I hadn’t fainted, I did feel cleansed, purer, more attuned to God, ethereal.
My belief systems have changed since I was 12, 13, 14 and I do not view the day with the same trepidation/excitement as I did then. To be honest, fasting is a bitch. But besides that, I get restless. Not all of the prayers really move me in any way, and the repetitions make me want to bash my head against a wall. I like the singing though.
So this year, to change it up a little (and due to some residual trauma from last year in the ‘hood) I joined a friend in this venture of leading services. And I have to tell you that though it was really interesting and different, and the day flew by, well, fast, (sorry) there was really something missing for me. It is different praying in a group of people who know when to respond, what the tunes are, and the whole choreography of the services. There is a kind of melding, oneness of purpose when everyone in the room is so on the same wavelength. It’s hard to create that sense of community in a group of strangers who are thrown together for a night and a day, with little or no prior experience.
The cool part was that the synagogue we were in had not had services for Yom Kipper in 24 years. And this was the first in over 2 decades. So that was significant. And added kind of a nice karmic touch to it all, I felt. But I left feeling a little dissatisfied. Something was missing.
As I said before, I wasn’t really in an Awe And Atoning place. I was restless. My spirit was restless, seeking some other expression of closeness to God on this, the holiest of days. I think the half hour I sat at Boston Harbor did more for my spiritual psyche then 27 hours of fasting and over a thousand pages of prayer. Sad, really. And I am left a little adrift in my belief system again regarding Judaism. It seems that I don’t fit into the place I had carved for myself, after all. Which leaves me kind of nowhere when it comes to Jewish Ritual practice.
Maybe these formalized rituals are just not for me. Maybe my free-expression has more connection for me than formulaic verse and choreographed prayer to the Being known as Deity. Maybe all this stuff and nonsense - is just, well, Stuff and Nonsense.
Interesting...and a little disturbing.
Forget politics. I don’t care about that. The history, the harbor, the frou-frou colleges, the squashed together townhouses in old brick that manage to look statesmanlike instead of hunched over and old. I really like Boston. It resonates somewhere in my American Soul, which I find totally strange because I didn’t think I really HAD an American Soul. But there’s something in the architecture, history and aura there that really touches me somewhere deep.
Yesterday was Yom Kippur. I spent my Day of Awe/Day of Atonement not really in a state Awe or Atonement, but it was still a profound experience. And I was in Boston. (Hence, the connection to the previous paragraph). My friend and I were leading services for upwards of 300 people. In my naivete, I somehow decided that there would only be 10 people there so it was ok if I messed up or anything. Boy was I wrong. 370 people filed in for the Kol Nidre service - which is the single most well-known Jewish prayer in the world. Actually, if you look at the words, its a legal formula that annuls any oaths and vows one may have made to God over the year. But the tune, which has been around since before the 8th century, is so stirring, and so solemn, with a gravity that belies my flippant way of describing the soul-quivering sounds of a good cantor singing the prayer.
Growing up, Yom Kippur was frightening to me, in an awe-inspiring way. I somehow believed that God was specifically paying attention to ME and MY SINS this one day, and that I was truly on trial for my choices and actions of the previous year. Not only that, there was the added stress of knowing that how well I prayed in this 27 hour period would determine how successful/happy/accomplished/healthy/etc my upcoming year would then be. Talk about pressure. But by the end of the fast, if I hadn’t fainted, I did feel cleansed, purer, more attuned to God, ethereal.
My belief systems have changed since I was 12, 13, 14 and I do not view the day with the same trepidation/excitement as I did then. To be honest, fasting is a bitch. But besides that, I get restless. Not all of the prayers really move me in any way, and the repetitions make me want to bash my head against a wall. I like the singing though.
So this year, to change it up a little (and due to some residual trauma from last year in the ‘hood) I joined a friend in this venture of leading services. And I have to tell you that though it was really interesting and different, and the day flew by, well, fast, (sorry) there was really something missing for me. It is different praying in a group of people who know when to respond, what the tunes are, and the whole choreography of the services. There is a kind of melding, oneness of purpose when everyone in the room is so on the same wavelength. It’s hard to create that sense of community in a group of strangers who are thrown together for a night and a day, with little or no prior experience.
The cool part was that the synagogue we were in had not had services for Yom Kipper in 24 years. And this was the first in over 2 decades. So that was significant. And added kind of a nice karmic touch to it all, I felt. But I left feeling a little dissatisfied. Something was missing.
As I said before, I wasn’t really in an Awe And Atoning place. I was restless. My spirit was restless, seeking some other expression of closeness to God on this, the holiest of days. I think the half hour I sat at Boston Harbor did more for my spiritual psyche then 27 hours of fasting and over a thousand pages of prayer. Sad, really. And I am left a little adrift in my belief system again regarding Judaism. It seems that I don’t fit into the place I had carved for myself, after all. Which leaves me kind of nowhere when it comes to Jewish Ritual practice.
Maybe these formalized rituals are just not for me. Maybe my free-expression has more connection for me than formulaic verse and choreographed prayer to the Being known as Deity. Maybe all this stuff and nonsense - is just, well, Stuff and Nonsense.
Interesting...and a little disturbing.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Yankees Rule the World (series?)!!!!
So...if you want all the stats, play by plays and video highlights of last night's Yankee's game - click here.
This blog is about the game - but not for die hard sports fans who need the nuts and bolts.
We took off from work, me and Chewbacca, at noon. We reasoned that driving to the Bronx on a good day takes about an hour, so with traffic, construction and rush hour (which is a total misnomer because NO ONE moves on the highways at that time of day) we'd never get there unless we went early.
We got to the bronx at 1:30 and went to see the Chihuly exhibit at the Botanical Gardens. Now, I love Chihuly - hes my favorite sculptor (along with Henry Moore and Michelangelo) and his website is at http://www.chihuly.com - so I was anticipating an AWESOME exhibit. He is a glass sculptor and they place his pieces in with the plants and flowers to dramatic effect - at least, in the other 2 exhibits I saw they did (One in Jerusalem in 2000 and one in Atlanta Botanical Gardens in 2004). But this was a HUGE disappointment. I mean, really. There were maybe one or two nice pieces, the placement was no big thing, and the gardens were not especially beautiful. Maybe it's because of the season and I'm not being fair to the flowers who probably already blossomed and died this summer, but still. I was really disappointed. I took a roll of film, so hopefully it wasn't a total loss. I felt kind of silly too after talking it up to Chewy this whole time, and it being really lame. Oh well.
We then drove to my old stomping grounds in the Bronx. It is interesting how time changes things in your mind. I remember my 'hood being larger, cleaner and more vibrant. But driving around yesterday for the first time in 6 years was a real shock and changed my memory. The buildings and streets looked so old, dilapidated, small, crowded, dirty. The stores looked run-down and tired. And the life, vibrancy and teeming masses of busy people were gone. Ok, it was a random Wedensday evening, but it was still a shock to me. Though I was impressed how easily I navigated the highways and streets as if some dormant part of my sense of direction woke up and shook off the cobwebs and directed me around my old 'hood. It was kind of sad, and a huge moving on moment. Dinner was yummy though. I was happy that of all the things that had changed, or been changed in my memories, the chinese place I used to love *still* has the best spare ribs in the Eastern half of the US.
Then, and only then, did we make our way to the shrine of the bombers, the house that Ruth built, the stadium where the ghosts of DiMaggio, Mantle, the Babe and the unforgettable presence of Yogi live on in modern greats like Jeter, Giambi, Bernie Williams, Paul O'Neill (he will always be a Yankee to me).
We had excellent seats. I didnt realize how close we were to the field until we passed a gate on the way to our seats and I glanced in, only to stop short in amazement, my mouth hanging open. We were right by home plate, where the Orioles were having batting practice, and we were really close. Chewy had to pull me over to our seats, which were in the Loge Box section, to the right of the press boxes and a little to the right of first base. I've never been to that side of hte stadium before. It-was-so-cool.
The game was unbelievable. One hit after another, one home run after another, Posada came out of nowhere to smash it out of the park and the crowd had a 4 times around wave going on. It was the most electric, supercharged, pumped up experience I have ever had at a ballgame.
Chewy and I were wearing matching Bernie Williams shirts, and I had a Yankee cap on, too. We jumped up and down, yelled, hit high fives and went crazy - it was majorly cool, majorly fun and a super night!
This blog is about the game - but not for die hard sports fans who need the nuts and bolts.
We took off from work, me and Chewbacca, at noon. We reasoned that driving to the Bronx on a good day takes about an hour, so with traffic, construction and rush hour (which is a total misnomer because NO ONE moves on the highways at that time of day) we'd never get there unless we went early.
We got to the bronx at 1:30 and went to see the Chihuly exhibit at the Botanical Gardens. Now, I love Chihuly - hes my favorite sculptor (along with Henry Moore and Michelangelo) and his website is at http://www.chihuly.com - so I was anticipating an AWESOME exhibit. He is a glass sculptor and they place his pieces in with the plants and flowers to dramatic effect - at least, in the other 2 exhibits I saw they did (One in Jerusalem in 2000 and one in Atlanta Botanical Gardens in 2004). But this was a HUGE disappointment. I mean, really. There were maybe one or two nice pieces, the placement was no big thing, and the gardens were not especially beautiful. Maybe it's because of the season and I'm not being fair to the flowers who probably already blossomed and died this summer, but still. I was really disappointed. I took a roll of film, so hopefully it wasn't a total loss. I felt kind of silly too after talking it up to Chewy this whole time, and it being really lame. Oh well.
We then drove to my old stomping grounds in the Bronx. It is interesting how time changes things in your mind. I remember my 'hood being larger, cleaner and more vibrant. But driving around yesterday for the first time in 6 years was a real shock and changed my memory. The buildings and streets looked so old, dilapidated, small, crowded, dirty. The stores looked run-down and tired. And the life, vibrancy and teeming masses of busy people were gone. Ok, it was a random Wedensday evening, but it was still a shock to me. Though I was impressed how easily I navigated the highways and streets as if some dormant part of my sense of direction woke up and shook off the cobwebs and directed me around my old 'hood. It was kind of sad, and a huge moving on moment. Dinner was yummy though. I was happy that of all the things that had changed, or been changed in my memories, the chinese place I used to love *still* has the best spare ribs in the Eastern half of the US.
Then, and only then, did we make our way to the shrine of the bombers, the house that Ruth built, the stadium where the ghosts of DiMaggio, Mantle, the Babe and the unforgettable presence of Yogi live on in modern greats like Jeter, Giambi, Bernie Williams, Paul O'Neill (he will always be a Yankee to me).
We had excellent seats. I didnt realize how close we were to the field until we passed a gate on the way to our seats and I glanced in, only to stop short in amazement, my mouth hanging open. We were right by home plate, where the Orioles were having batting practice, and we were really close. Chewy had to pull me over to our seats, which were in the Loge Box section, to the right of the press boxes and a little to the right of first base. I've never been to that side of hte stadium before. It-was-so-cool.
The game was unbelievable. One hit after another, one home run after another, Posada came out of nowhere to smash it out of the park and the crowd had a 4 times around wave going on. It was the most electric, supercharged, pumped up experience I have ever had at a ballgame.
Chewy and I were wearing matching Bernie Williams shirts, and I had a Yankee cap on, too. We jumped up and down, yelled, hit high fives and went crazy - it was majorly cool, majorly fun and a super night!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Blahs....
I’ve been feeling sickly for a few days.
Nothing really specific, a general malaise, and some stomach issues. Have you noticed that I get stomach issues around holidays when I have been stressing myself out? I didn’t think you noticed that pattern, I sure didn’t. *smile*
There are a lot of exciting things to look forward to: tomorrow’s Yankee Game (box seats in the Loge section), Red Hot Chili Peppers Concert and Big & Rich Concert. Plus a friend’s gallery opening in Pennsylvania exhibiting her sculptures (I will miss the opening, but will see the exhibit).
But I have to get rid of these blahs. My stomach has been upset, I have a headache and I’m generally tired. Too much partying, huh?
Yeah. Right.
I have also been feeling really unmotivated at work. I can’t seem to muster up that caring I used to have about my job and the tasks I needed to complete. I’m in a general funk about it. I am not challenged and that always spells trouble - and the death of a job for me.
So, in theory, I’m looking for a new job. But I am also kind of at a loss so I haven’t really started looking yet. I need to earn more money. Besides that, I am not sure what the criteria are for this job search and that’s baffling me. You’d think I have a great earning power with a Masters Degree - but I really don’t - unless I go into the field of International Relations - which I have no experience in so I probably only qualify for an entry-level position anyways.... so there you have it, even in the field of my degree I’m not able to earn anything really significant.
That sucks.
I’m not really complaining. I’m explaining my thoughts about where I am at and what I have to do, and expressing my stymied state in some of this. But I’m not really complaining. I’m just in a funk. And feeling kind of yukky.
Blah...
Nothing really specific, a general malaise, and some stomach issues. Have you noticed that I get stomach issues around holidays when I have been stressing myself out? I didn’t think you noticed that pattern, I sure didn’t. *smile*
There are a lot of exciting things to look forward to: tomorrow’s Yankee Game (box seats in the Loge section), Red Hot Chili Peppers Concert and Big & Rich Concert. Plus a friend’s gallery opening in Pennsylvania exhibiting her sculptures (I will miss the opening, but will see the exhibit).
But I have to get rid of these blahs. My stomach has been upset, I have a headache and I’m generally tired. Too much partying, huh?
Yeah. Right.
I have also been feeling really unmotivated at work. I can’t seem to muster up that caring I used to have about my job and the tasks I needed to complete. I’m in a general funk about it. I am not challenged and that always spells trouble - and the death of a job for me.
So, in theory, I’m looking for a new job. But I am also kind of at a loss so I haven’t really started looking yet. I need to earn more money. Besides that, I am not sure what the criteria are for this job search and that’s baffling me. You’d think I have a great earning power with a Masters Degree - but I really don’t - unless I go into the field of International Relations - which I have no experience in so I probably only qualify for an entry-level position anyways.... so there you have it, even in the field of my degree I’m not able to earn anything really significant.
That sucks.
I’m not really complaining. I’m explaining my thoughts about where I am at and what I have to do, and expressing my stymied state in some of this. But I’m not really complaining. I’m just in a funk. And feeling kind of yukky.
Blah...
Monday, September 25, 2006
Not for the Faint of Heart.... The Dildo Song :)
| A parody of a 1950's commercial for the Slinky. This is a raunchy parody, not for children, bosses or the prudish:) | |
Monday, September 18, 2006
Holiday Headache
Been a while...
Why do I feel like I write that a lot?!?! Probably because I do. I don’t have the time that I wish I did to properly update this blog/journal and keep it current. Then I have to backtrack and fill in stuff, and try to remember what I was thinking then, but of course, you can’t really. So that makes the whole thing a little silly because it’s less genuine. But I guess that’s part of the rant.
Somewhere I believe there is a dictionary that says Holidays = Family, (see “insanity, lunacy and morbid fascination”). I am beginning to dread EVERY holiday, not just Passover, and that is just so sad. Have you ever witnessed the mating dance of a crane? The male bird delicately steps around the female, looking out of the corner of his eye to see if she’s noticing his gorgeous plumage, his straight walk, his manliness, all the while keeping his other eye out for rival males who are also strutting around looking impressive. If he felt there was another male moving in on “his” woman, he attacks, they brawl and someone goes away. And that polite dance starts again.
Sounds lovely, no?
I feel like the negotiations for Who spends What holidays Where is a lot like that. Its a delicate and polite dance around the issue, no one really comes out and says what they are thinking and feeling, and if someone makes a “wrong” choice, they are attacked and pecked into place. Its exhausting. And quite frankly, I am ready to walk away from it all and say “screw you all”. If holidays are supposed to be family time, and a fun atmosphere where everyone is together, then why doesn’t it say “leave your issues, baggage and agendas at home” on the bottom of the invitation? Instead, these times become the arena for everyone’s pent up aggravation, issues, insults, and bruised egos to play out in the open with each other, something which can really become a spectator sport! Unless you are stuck on the field with YOUR issues, aggravations, pent up hostility and barely concealed intolerance. Then its just a free for all with no winners and a lot of walking wounded. Thanks for playing and see you next holiday for the next round. Kiss, kiss, hug, hug. Bu bye!
So now the holidays roll around, and I get SO tense. And so uptight about it. Its not like I am married and can hide behind the “oh, this year its my in-laws turn” line. I’m me. One. Alone. And expected to tow the party line, behave like a dutiful daughter and tag along with the rest of the freak show. You know, I have spent a lot of years “doing the right thing” and I have to say, that though I may be racking up some points up there, its not really doing it for me anymore. Its aggravating, annoying and making the holidays less palatable for me at all. It affects my health, my mental well-being and destroys my energy. Does that sound healthy?! I don’t think so.
The biggest shame is that in isolation, I like a lot of the holidays. (Not Passover, NEVER Passover!) The crisp air, the changing leaves, the earth slowly, drowsily settling down to dormancy. I have good memories of the food, of the fun, of the ignorant bliss of youth where you don’t catch the edge in people’s voice, and the undercurrent of anger, hatred, impatience, etc. I resent the loss of that innocent joy!!
This year, I’m stuck. I had given up and decided not to fight anymore - to tow that damn party line and stay drunk for as much of the holiday as I could manage. But passivity is not really me and its beginning to grate on me. Again.
So - Yeah, Happy Jewish New Year. Wahoo.
Why do I feel like I write that a lot?!?! Probably because I do. I don’t have the time that I wish I did to properly update this blog/journal and keep it current. Then I have to backtrack and fill in stuff, and try to remember what I was thinking then, but of course, you can’t really. So that makes the whole thing a little silly because it’s less genuine. But I guess that’s part of the rant.
Somewhere I believe there is a dictionary that says Holidays = Family, (see “insanity, lunacy and morbid fascination”). I am beginning to dread EVERY holiday, not just Passover, and that is just so sad. Have you ever witnessed the mating dance of a crane? The male bird delicately steps around the female, looking out of the corner of his eye to see if she’s noticing his gorgeous plumage, his straight walk, his manliness, all the while keeping his other eye out for rival males who are also strutting around looking impressive. If he felt there was another male moving in on “his” woman, he attacks, they brawl and someone goes away. And that polite dance starts again.
Sounds lovely, no?
I feel like the negotiations for Who spends What holidays Where is a lot like that. Its a delicate and polite dance around the issue, no one really comes out and says what they are thinking and feeling, and if someone makes a “wrong” choice, they are attacked and pecked into place. Its exhausting. And quite frankly, I am ready to walk away from it all and say “screw you all”. If holidays are supposed to be family time, and a fun atmosphere where everyone is together, then why doesn’t it say “leave your issues, baggage and agendas at home” on the bottom of the invitation? Instead, these times become the arena for everyone’s pent up aggravation, issues, insults, and bruised egos to play out in the open with each other, something which can really become a spectator sport! Unless you are stuck on the field with YOUR issues, aggravations, pent up hostility and barely concealed intolerance. Then its just a free for all with no winners and a lot of walking wounded. Thanks for playing and see you next holiday for the next round. Kiss, kiss, hug, hug. Bu bye!
So now the holidays roll around, and I get SO tense. And so uptight about it. Its not like I am married and can hide behind the “oh, this year its my in-laws turn” line. I’m me. One. Alone. And expected to tow the party line, behave like a dutiful daughter and tag along with the rest of the freak show. You know, I have spent a lot of years “doing the right thing” and I have to say, that though I may be racking up some points up there, its not really doing it for me anymore. Its aggravating, annoying and making the holidays less palatable for me at all. It affects my health, my mental well-being and destroys my energy. Does that sound healthy?! I don’t think so.
The biggest shame is that in isolation, I like a lot of the holidays. (Not Passover, NEVER Passover!) The crisp air, the changing leaves, the earth slowly, drowsily settling down to dormancy. I have good memories of the food, of the fun, of the ignorant bliss of youth where you don’t catch the edge in people’s voice, and the undercurrent of anger, hatred, impatience, etc. I resent the loss of that innocent joy!!
This year, I’m stuck. I had given up and decided not to fight anymore - to tow that damn party line and stay drunk for as much of the holiday as I could manage. But passivity is not really me and its beginning to grate on me. Again.
So - Yeah, Happy Jewish New Year. Wahoo.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Love & Israel
A close friend of mine, Ilana Lipski is co-producing a monologue show called "Love & Israel" with Sissy Block, who has the coolest energy I have met in a long time. (You can write them at loveandisrael@yahoo.com if you want more info.)
I offered to help out, and was to facilitate the Q&A after the reading, though people just wanted to mingle after the performance and so there was no Q&A in the end. But that's ok. The show was really cool and they chose a nice mix of monologues some more serious, some lighthearted, and all about the writer's relationship with Israel - as if it were a romantic relationship. How did you meet? Fall in love? fall out of love? etc.
I submitted a monologue that they asked me to revise, and then I was unable to because of my fractured wrist - but I am posting it here, because I think its a nice statement about MY relationship with Israel. Bear in mind, though, that it is a work in progess and needs some fleshing out.
Here goes:
I watch the misty morning fog hang in the deepest pockets of the Wadi. Nebulous yet substantial, it drifts around the craggy rocks until the sun shoos it away, tantalizing me with half formed images and fleeting glimpses of things my eyes could not be seeing, but my brain wants to know are there.
Dawn breaks in Jerusalem. The air is still moist and sweet with dew and early morning blossoms. That quiet, tranquil period before the city truly wakes to its bustling self is shattered by a long, loud, piercing bellow. One voice, soon joined by myriad calls and wails, bellows and screeches from different throats. Each calling out to be heard, protesting their abrupt waking or broadcasting their hunger. The day has begun at the Biblical Zoo.
This is where my love affair with Israel began. In the juxtaposition of rugged beauty; a crucible of a climate; and a volatile political environment. And the simple pleasures of life; the appreciation of nature and the love of the Land. Standing in a pile of animal poop, the smell of manure mingling with muddy, Turkish coffee – I fell in love. Idyllic, no?
Working in the Biblical Zoo was almost like entering a bubble every day, a time warp, where Arabs and Jews co-existed in harmony, working together or visiting together. No matter what was going on in the outside world, we in the zoo kept up a pace of our own. Our concerns were the births, deaths and illnesses of our animals. Violence came to us in the form of one animal challenging another’s authority within the social grouping. Such conflicts were often solved without any major damage to either animal; perhaps some posturing, threatening gestures or calls, and a head butt or two, and the whole incident was over.
We existed outside of time, politics and The Situation. We left our worries about the state of the State outside the gates, and picked them up on our way out after work. We didn’t discuss, argue or protest The Matzav. Our visitors peacefully browsed through our facility, mingling with each other regardless of race, religion or creed. And the outside touched us not at all.
I am not saying that my love affair with Israel began and ended with the gates of the Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem, but the zoo was that first glance, the delicate flirting that sets your pulse quickening and makes you start to wonder things. Through my work in the zoo I was introduced to other ruggedly beautiful parts of the country; the Golan where we release captive-bred Griffon Vultures into the wild; The Negev where we repatriate Arabian Oryx back into the wild; The Hula where we track migration routes of numerous species of birds. And as the country revealed more of her secret and startling natural beauty, I was captivated. I wanted to see more, to explore her, to learn everything about her. To understand the co-existence of the lush and fertile with the barren and harsh.
I dated Israel. Weekends would see me exploring some new nook I found, whether it was the stunning stalactites and stalagmites of the Cave of Soreq or the enchantment of the Banyas River. I was intoxicated by the beauty, compelling, expansive and sometimes harsh, and I couldn’t get enough. Like an infatuated lover I would read, explore and learn all I can about the new relationship in my life.
In the process I learned about myself. I learned what makes me feel happy, feel touched, feel….Home.
And as I stood knee-deep in animal poop every morning, my heart felt full. I was in love. And I felt that Israel requited my love.
I offered to help out, and was to facilitate the Q&A after the reading, though people just wanted to mingle after the performance and so there was no Q&A in the end. But that's ok. The show was really cool and they chose a nice mix of monologues some more serious, some lighthearted, and all about the writer's relationship with Israel - as if it were a romantic relationship. How did you meet? Fall in love? fall out of love? etc.
I submitted a monologue that they asked me to revise, and then I was unable to because of my fractured wrist - but I am posting it here, because I think its a nice statement about MY relationship with Israel. Bear in mind, though, that it is a work in progess and needs some fleshing out.
Here goes:
I watch the misty morning fog hang in the deepest pockets of the Wadi. Nebulous yet substantial, it drifts around the craggy rocks until the sun shoos it away, tantalizing me with half formed images and fleeting glimpses of things my eyes could not be seeing, but my brain wants to know are there.
Dawn breaks in Jerusalem. The air is still moist and sweet with dew and early morning blossoms. That quiet, tranquil period before the city truly wakes to its bustling self is shattered by a long, loud, piercing bellow. One voice, soon joined by myriad calls and wails, bellows and screeches from different throats. Each calling out to be heard, protesting their abrupt waking or broadcasting their hunger. The day has begun at the Biblical Zoo.
This is where my love affair with Israel began. In the juxtaposition of rugged beauty; a crucible of a climate; and a volatile political environment. And the simple pleasures of life; the appreciation of nature and the love of the Land. Standing in a pile of animal poop, the smell of manure mingling with muddy, Turkish coffee – I fell in love. Idyllic, no?
Working in the Biblical Zoo was almost like entering a bubble every day, a time warp, where Arabs and Jews co-existed in harmony, working together or visiting together. No matter what was going on in the outside world, we in the zoo kept up a pace of our own. Our concerns were the births, deaths and illnesses of our animals. Violence came to us in the form of one animal challenging another’s authority within the social grouping. Such conflicts were often solved without any major damage to either animal; perhaps some posturing, threatening gestures or calls, and a head butt or two, and the whole incident was over.
We existed outside of time, politics and The Situation. We left our worries about the state of the State outside the gates, and picked them up on our way out after work. We didn’t discuss, argue or protest The Matzav. Our visitors peacefully browsed through our facility, mingling with each other regardless of race, religion or creed. And the outside touched us not at all.
I am not saying that my love affair with Israel began and ended with the gates of the Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem, but the zoo was that first glance, the delicate flirting that sets your pulse quickening and makes you start to wonder things. Through my work in the zoo I was introduced to other ruggedly beautiful parts of the country; the Golan where we release captive-bred Griffon Vultures into the wild; The Negev where we repatriate Arabian Oryx back into the wild; The Hula where we track migration routes of numerous species of birds. And as the country revealed more of her secret and startling natural beauty, I was captivated. I wanted to see more, to explore her, to learn everything about her. To understand the co-existence of the lush and fertile with the barren and harsh.
I dated Israel. Weekends would see me exploring some new nook I found, whether it was the stunning stalactites and stalagmites of the Cave of Soreq or the enchantment of the Banyas River. I was intoxicated by the beauty, compelling, expansive and sometimes harsh, and I couldn’t get enough. Like an infatuated lover I would read, explore and learn all I can about the new relationship in my life.
In the process I learned about myself. I learned what makes me feel happy, feel touched, feel….Home.
And as I stood knee-deep in animal poop every morning, my heart felt full. I was in love. And I felt that Israel requited my love.
Friday, September 8, 2006
Labor Day Weekend
I know this is about a week late, almost. But its been a little hectic getting back into the groove of things. And this place just *cant* seem to run without me for too long...
Anyways, the weekend was totally awesome. I was nervous bringing The Boy (aka Chewbacca) to meet my friends because I very much seperate different aspects of my life. And because its hard to streamline a new person into a community which he has no experience with, and only knows by reputation - not to mention that my friends ALSO only know him by reputation, and things have been, well, rocky, so it was understandably an anxious time for me.
But having said that - it was all good. Sunday we had a rocking party and a lot of fun (can you believe i actually drank alcohol and got drunk???) And my friends were warm, welcoming and really cool.
Chewy and I went to Atlanta for Shabbat (sabbath) and I have close friends there who are religious. Again, pleasant surprise for me because I wasnt antsy or restless, it was just so nice to spend time with them and relax (they have the best beds i have ever slept on in my life!) and i picked up some artwork in the process. Then we drove up on Sunday to Nashvegas and the fun began!
Chewy really enjoyed the city and wants to come back already and see more (like the JD distillary and the Honkey Tonks). It was nice for me, to come back to the one place in America that feels like Home to me. Though of course things have changed, no more upstairs neighbors to rely on :-)
Missing you already, Nashville.
Anyways, the weekend was totally awesome. I was nervous bringing The Boy (aka Chewbacca) to meet my friends because I very much seperate different aspects of my life. And because its hard to streamline a new person into a community which he has no experience with, and only knows by reputation - not to mention that my friends ALSO only know him by reputation, and things have been, well, rocky, so it was understandably an anxious time for me.
But having said that - it was all good. Sunday we had a rocking party and a lot of fun (can you believe i actually drank alcohol and got drunk???) And my friends were warm, welcoming and really cool.
Chewy and I went to Atlanta for Shabbat (sabbath) and I have close friends there who are religious. Again, pleasant surprise for me because I wasnt antsy or restless, it was just so nice to spend time with them and relax (they have the best beds i have ever slept on in my life!) and i picked up some artwork in the process. Then we drove up on Sunday to Nashvegas and the fun began!
Chewy really enjoyed the city and wants to come back already and see more (like the JD distillary and the Honkey Tonks). It was nice for me, to come back to the one place in America that feels like Home to me. Though of course things have changed, no more upstairs neighbors to rely on :-)
Missing you already, Nashville.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Cupid's Arrows....and missles, bombs and guns
Those we love are somehow handed the very weapons that would be most destructive to us. And the most amazing thing is that we are the ones handing over those weapons. In that first flush of love and rightness in the world, we want to share everything, entwine our souls with that other person, and open those rusty hinged doors to our fears and deepest thoughts.
But when the weather changes, the storm clouds move in and those deep thoughts, fears and secrets are then cast about for all the world to see, for you to confront head-on, ready or not - because the tempest that has been hurtling them at you possesses the arsenal you provided of the most hurtful ammunition around.
And even when the storm has passed, the damage still remains. Trees are uprooted, lines of communication are damaged or sparking, and everyone is walking around gingerly, waiting to see if there will be some kind of aftershock explosion.
I guess sometimes there isn’t one and there’s a strange eerie kind of deafening silence until everyone relaxes again. I wonder how people who live in war zones deal with constant tension, waiting for the explosions to begin again.
But once the storms are passed, often flowers grow as if they were waiting to burst from the ground but something had held them back, and the sheer force of the storm dissolved those imaginary boundaries. Perhaps a little violence catalyzes necessary growth. And a little outburst, argument or clash can perhaps create stronger bonds or closer knit ties in relationships.
Though somehow, I still have a suspicion that the scars lay underneath the verdant green carpet of grass..... and deep in the hearts of the people we hurt.
But when the weather changes, the storm clouds move in and those deep thoughts, fears and secrets are then cast about for all the world to see, for you to confront head-on, ready or not - because the tempest that has been hurtling them at you possesses the arsenal you provided of the most hurtful ammunition around.
And even when the storm has passed, the damage still remains. Trees are uprooted, lines of communication are damaged or sparking, and everyone is walking around gingerly, waiting to see if there will be some kind of aftershock explosion.
I guess sometimes there isn’t one and there’s a strange eerie kind of deafening silence until everyone relaxes again. I wonder how people who live in war zones deal with constant tension, waiting for the explosions to begin again.
But once the storms are passed, often flowers grow as if they were waiting to burst from the ground but something had held them back, and the sheer force of the storm dissolved those imaginary boundaries. Perhaps a little violence catalyzes necessary growth. And a little outburst, argument or clash can perhaps create stronger bonds or closer knit ties in relationships.
Though somehow, I still have a suspicion that the scars lay underneath the verdant green carpet of grass..... and deep in the hearts of the people we hurt.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Land of Silicone, Kingdom of Plastic
I am back from the Land of Silicone. In case you aren’t familiar with that place, its where reality consists of being made out of more plastic parts then your neighbors, driving flashier cars than your friends and in general trying to look like a tanned, too-skinny movie star. California is a pretty state, with a very fascinating history - but LA is a blight upon the landmass on the west coast.
I didn’t do too much touristy things, I was there with my sister to visit my declining and ailing grandfather, with her two boys, aged 3 1/2 and 10 months. Needless to say, the older one ran us ragged all day and the younger one woke us up about 2 times a night.
Add to the mix that we left Monday at 4pm New York time, and came back Thursday morning arriving at 12:30am. Yeah, I’m tired.
The weather was wonderful, sunny but a little breezy, and the evenings were kind of cool - not muggy and heavy. The air was sweet and sometimes had a faint ocean-y smell. (Only in the evenings though, in the Land of Silicone, there is a smoggy haze over the city each morning obscuring the sun till about 9:30am when it burns off.... who says there’s no such thing as global warming?!)
We did manage to go to the LA Zoo (it’s terrible, I wouldn’t recommend it) and the Santa Monica Pier - though we walked on the bluff overlooking the pier and didn’t go on the rides and stuff. We never went to the beach, but we managed to watch the ocean. Personally, I like the Pacific better than the Atlantic.
We spent some great time with Grandpa Tuesday and Wednesday but on Thursday already he was sunk back into his lethargy, falling asleep even when outside playing with the children.
Here’s the lowdown on Gramps: Grandma Rose died in February. She and Grandpa David were very co-dependant and her loss has understandably made him very depressed. Add to this that David’s greatest pride in life was his intellect, and his scholarly achievements. He is fluent in 7 languages, has done research all over Eastern Europe and parts of Asia, published numerous articles and co-authored books on Jewish Genealogy, specializing in Rabbinic Dynasties, traced my family tree back 44 generations (a feat considering that all of his and Rose’s families were destroyed in the Holocaust of World War II) and proved that my family is linked to King David’s dynasty (yes, THAT King David - the Biblical one). But his mind is deteriorating and he has lost short-term memory. But he KNOWS that he is losing his mental facilities and that fills him with a great sense of loss. So he has given up living. He was engaged with us the first two days, watching the kids play, holding the baby, smiling, telling us it was “fun” to see the boys. (That’s a word I didn’t know was in his lexicon) But then we were unable to keep him awake and aware on Thursday.
I spoke with his social worker who said that the only way to pull him out of the decline he is in, is to have more family come to visit. Our family on that side is NOT very family oriented, and Grandpa has burned bridges with at least 2 of his grandsons, so they aren’t gonna make the effort. Plus, all his family live on the East Coast or overseas. So it’s easier said than done. He is on the decline though and my personal feeling is that its time to make peace, he won’t be with us much longer.
I am glad we went, though the change in him is drastic from July 2005 when I saw him last. It was startling too to see what my own father will look like as he ages. My sister pointed out to me that Dad looks a lot like Grandpa and we were looking at the future. Deep thoughts....
So, though Cali is nice, I’d skip LA next time and go to San Fran, San Diego and Napa.... and bypass the Land of Silicone altogether. I think a drive to Las Vegas would probably be cool too.
It’s hard to see time pass s abruptly. I didn’t expect him to be SO out of it. I was expecting the confusion about dates and times, but in his eyes I saw pain, fear and loss. And that was hard to see. Especially for a person like me who has inherited his love for books, learning and the intellectual pursuits.
I don’t know what *I* would do if I lost my ability to think, or my will to read.
I didn’t do too much touristy things, I was there with my sister to visit my declining and ailing grandfather, with her two boys, aged 3 1/2 and 10 months. Needless to say, the older one ran us ragged all day and the younger one woke us up about 2 times a night.
Add to the mix that we left Monday at 4pm New York time, and came back Thursday morning arriving at 12:30am. Yeah, I’m tired.
The weather was wonderful, sunny but a little breezy, and the evenings were kind of cool - not muggy and heavy. The air was sweet and sometimes had a faint ocean-y smell. (Only in the evenings though, in the Land of Silicone, there is a smoggy haze over the city each morning obscuring the sun till about 9:30am when it burns off.... who says there’s no such thing as global warming?!)
We did manage to go to the LA Zoo (it’s terrible, I wouldn’t recommend it) and the Santa Monica Pier - though we walked on the bluff overlooking the pier and didn’t go on the rides and stuff. We never went to the beach, but we managed to watch the ocean. Personally, I like the Pacific better than the Atlantic.
We spent some great time with Grandpa Tuesday and Wednesday but on Thursday already he was sunk back into his lethargy, falling asleep even when outside playing with the children.
Here’s the lowdown on Gramps: Grandma Rose died in February. She and Grandpa David were very co-dependant and her loss has understandably made him very depressed. Add to this that David’s greatest pride in life was his intellect, and his scholarly achievements. He is fluent in 7 languages, has done research all over Eastern Europe and parts of Asia, published numerous articles and co-authored books on Jewish Genealogy, specializing in Rabbinic Dynasties, traced my family tree back 44 generations (a feat considering that all of his and Rose’s families were destroyed in the Holocaust of World War II) and proved that my family is linked to King David’s dynasty (yes, THAT King David - the Biblical one). But his mind is deteriorating and he has lost short-term memory. But he KNOWS that he is losing his mental facilities and that fills him with a great sense of loss. So he has given up living. He was engaged with us the first two days, watching the kids play, holding the baby, smiling, telling us it was “fun” to see the boys. (That’s a word I didn’t know was in his lexicon) But then we were unable to keep him awake and aware on Thursday.
I spoke with his social worker who said that the only way to pull him out of the decline he is in, is to have more family come to visit. Our family on that side is NOT very family oriented, and Grandpa has burned bridges with at least 2 of his grandsons, so they aren’t gonna make the effort. Plus, all his family live on the East Coast or overseas. So it’s easier said than done. He is on the decline though and my personal feeling is that its time to make peace, he won’t be with us much longer.
I am glad we went, though the change in him is drastic from July 2005 when I saw him last. It was startling too to see what my own father will look like as he ages. My sister pointed out to me that Dad looks a lot like Grandpa and we were looking at the future. Deep thoughts....
So, though Cali is nice, I’d skip LA next time and go to San Fran, San Diego and Napa.... and bypass the Land of Silicone altogether. I think a drive to Las Vegas would probably be cool too.
It’s hard to see time pass s abruptly. I didn’t expect him to be SO out of it. I was expecting the confusion about dates and times, but in his eyes I saw pain, fear and loss. And that was hard to see. Especially for a person like me who has inherited his love for books, learning and the intellectual pursuits.
I don’t know what *I* would do if I lost my ability to think, or my will to read.
Friday, August 11, 2006
All About Wicked - NO SPOILERS
Last night was Tremendous, and Powerful and Magickal and..... just... Wicked.
The show was good too.
HA! Actually the show was AWESOME - the music, sets, everything. The dialog was often funny, with hidden double meanings for those who are familiar with the "Wizard of Oz" - and lets face it, who isnt? Except maybe Bin Ladin... and who cares about him?!
The night was stormy and tempestuous and we had to struggle to get to the theater, but the driving rain and lightening were exhilarating and the excitement of the show I have wanted to see FOREVER was making the whole night tremendously electric.
And who knows more about electric than Times Square? Even in torrential rain. It was magnificent.
I'm gonna go again. I have to. I recommend that everyone in the world go at least once...please? You'll thank me for it!
The show was good too.
HA! Actually the show was AWESOME - the music, sets, everything. The dialog was often funny, with hidden double meanings for those who are familiar with the "Wizard of Oz" - and lets face it, who isnt? Except maybe Bin Ladin... and who cares about him?!
The night was stormy and tempestuous and we had to struggle to get to the theater, but the driving rain and lightening were exhilarating and the excitement of the show I have wanted to see FOREVER was making the whole night tremendously electric.
And who knows more about electric than Times Square? Even in torrential rain. It was magnificent.
I'm gonna go again. I have to. I recommend that everyone in the world go at least once...please? You'll thank me for it!
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