Holiday Headache

Been a while...

Why do I feel like I write that a lot?!?! Probably because I do. I don’t have the time that I wish I did to properly update this blog/journal and keep it current. Then I have to backtrack and fill in stuff, and try to remember what I was thinking then, but of course, you can’t really. So that makes the whole thing a little silly because it’s less genuine. But I guess that’s part of the rant.

Somewhere I believe there is a dictionary that says Holidays = Family, (see “insanity, lunacy and morbid fascination”). I am beginning to dread EVERY holiday, not just Passover, and that is just so sad. Have you ever witnessed the mating dance of a crane? The male bird delicately steps around the female, looking out of the corner of his eye to see if she’s noticing his gorgeous plumage, his straight walk, his manliness, all the while keeping his other eye out for rival males who are also strutting around looking impressive. If he felt there was another male moving in on “his” woman, he attacks, they brawl and someone goes away. And that polite dance starts again.
Sounds lovely, no?

I feel like the negotiations for Who spends What holidays Where is a lot like that. Its a delicate and polite dance around the issue, no one really comes out and says what they are thinking and feeling, and if someone makes a “wrong” choice, they are attacked and pecked into place. Its exhausting. And quite frankly, I am ready to walk away from it all and say “screw you all”. If holidays are supposed to be family time, and a fun atmosphere where everyone is together, then why doesn’t it say “leave your issues, baggage and agendas at home” on the bottom of the invitation? Instead, these times become the arena for everyone’s pent up aggravation, issues, insults, and bruised egos to play out in the open with each other, something which can really become a spectator sport! Unless you are stuck on the field with YOUR issues, aggravations, pent up hostility and barely concealed intolerance. Then its just a free for all with no winners and a lot of walking wounded. Thanks for playing and see you next holiday for the next round. Kiss, kiss, hug, hug. Bu bye!

So now the holidays roll around, and I get SO tense. And so uptight about it. Its not like I am married and can hide behind the “oh, this year its my in-laws turn” line. I’m me. One. Alone. And expected to tow the party line, behave like a dutiful daughter and tag along with the rest of the freak show. You know, I have spent a lot of years “doing the right thing” and I have to say, that though I may be racking up some points up there, its not really doing it for me anymore. Its aggravating, annoying and making the holidays less palatable for me at all. It affects my health, my mental well-being and destroys my energy. Does that sound healthy?! I don’t think so.

The biggest shame is that in isolation, I like a lot of the holidays. (Not Passover, NEVER Passover!) The crisp air, the changing leaves, the earth slowly, drowsily settling down to dormancy. I have good memories of the food, of the fun, of the ignorant bliss of youth where you don’t catch the edge in people’s voice, and the undercurrent of anger, hatred, impatience, etc. I resent the loss of that innocent joy!!

This year, I’m stuck. I had given up and decided not to fight anymore - to tow that damn party line and stay drunk for as much of the holiday as I could manage. But passivity is not really me and its beginning to grate on me. Again.

So - Yeah, Happy Jewish New Year. Wahoo.