I was forced tonight to really take a look at the road on which my life's journey is traveling. When I look back, I was shaken to discover that the path I have already trodden is crumbling and littered with cracks and missing chunks of pavement.
If I were to be honest with myself, I would admit that I need a really stark reminder that you can't go back in life, you have to keep moving forward. How many times have I been tempted by memories of what I used to have, or where I used to live, and yearn to go back to that time? How much does my heart ache to have back my life in Israel or Nashville, with certain changes? I guess the crumbling of the sidewalk is a good thing, or I would be tempted to try to go back.
But the people I knew in those places in Time are gone. The country, city, politics, society have all changed. The dynamics are different, and not necessarily navigable anymore. *I* have changed, too. Even worse, the memories I have picked up from those chapters of my life were linked to physical items, like a quilt, each panel symbolizing another experience. And all those physical mementos are gone, too. So what sum of my experience remains? How am I to prove to myself that I did indeed do that, live there, go through this? Memory becomes cloudy as time goes on, and I need to touch, feel, be reminded of those times and relationships. But that link is gone. Crumbled. Eroded. Washed away.
So now I look forward and what do I see? That *is* the question, isn't it? Nothing that I feel excited about. Nothing that looks like a path I'd be interested in exploring. No vibrant colors, people, places. Just a grayish mist, opaque. Perhaps we make our paths by creating opportunities for choice. Maybe I have not fully explored all my options and opened up new pathways for myself. Maybe it's just overcast right now, and once the sun comes out, things will take on more color. I hope that the future holds for me paths to follow that are ribbons of color.
I'm waiting for the sun.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Did I tell you I was pregnant?
So - yeah. We gave birth on April 4, 2009 at 11:37pm. I wonder if that is the correct term considering it was a last minute C-section, after being in contractions for 30 hours and not going anywhere.
Anyways, our daughter is a gorgeous little angel, 6 lbs and 10 oz. I know all you parents out there think, no, KNOW, your kids are gorgeous, and I am not arguing with your taste - but I have it on really good authority, besides my own and Chewbacca's, that she is beautiful, gorgeous, radiant and a perfect little human.
I didn't mention the pregnancy because it was kind of up and down for me emotionally, though there were no complications or major health issues. I really had nothing to complain about.... except being pregnant, which I wasn't entirely ready for.
That's all water under the bridge now. My daughter is the lodestone of my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Anyways, our daughter is a gorgeous little angel, 6 lbs and 10 oz. I know all you parents out there think, no, KNOW, your kids are gorgeous, and I am not arguing with your taste - but I have it on really good authority, besides my own and Chewbacca's, that she is beautiful, gorgeous, radiant and a perfect little human.
I didn't mention the pregnancy because it was kind of up and down for me emotionally, though there were no complications or major health issues. I really had nothing to complain about.... except being pregnant, which I wasn't entirely ready for.
That's all water under the bridge now. My daughter is the lodestone of my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Been a while...
Timing is everything.
Sometimes you have so much to say, it crowds up your head and creates a constipation of ideas. And sometimes there is this fear that if you actually write it down, and send it out into cyberspace, it will come back and bite you at some point. I don't feel that each and every thought I have should be given free reign in this space. Some are too volatile to really be expressed safely.
I was going to list all the stresses that I am feeling, and all the things that are currently weighing my spirit down. I was going to describe the depression, Oh excuse me, RECESSION, of my natural positive personality. But I can't. I am too tired. I am emotionally wiped out from actually living through it. I can't make a laundry list of the issues. Putting them down would be overwhelming and crushing to my already fragile emotional state.
This space is supposed to be a cleansing space. A place to let out those thoughts and emotions which keep me from getting a good night's sleep. The replaying of meetings, incidents and "should have said" that torture me all the time in the back of my mind. To sweep the dissatisfaction, disappointment and anxiety out in one, healthy outlet.
But I can't. Timing is everything.
Sometimes you have so much to say, it crowds up your head and creates a constipation of ideas. And sometimes there is this fear that if you actually write it down, and send it out into cyberspace, it will come back and bite you at some point. I don't feel that each and every thought I have should be given free reign in this space. Some are too volatile to really be expressed safely.
I was going to list all the stresses that I am feeling, and all the things that are currently weighing my spirit down. I was going to describe the depression, Oh excuse me, RECESSION, of my natural positive personality. But I can't. I am too tired. I am emotionally wiped out from actually living through it. I can't make a laundry list of the issues. Putting them down would be overwhelming and crushing to my already fragile emotional state.
This space is supposed to be a cleansing space. A place to let out those thoughts and emotions which keep me from getting a good night's sleep. The replaying of meetings, incidents and "should have said" that torture me all the time in the back of my mind. To sweep the dissatisfaction, disappointment and anxiety out in one, healthy outlet.
But I can't. Timing is everything.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Times - they are a'changin'
We actually thought about buying a house. I mean, we seriously looked into it with a mortgage broker and stuff. Who would have thought? Six years ago I was Bankrupt, nearly destitute, and living on peanut butter sandwiches.
If I actually look back at things, I am pretty amazed at how I have picked myself up. And boy have I learned the lessons, man.
We decided not to buy right now, because though we can TECHNICALLY afford it, as in, we have the money to cover it NOW, we aren't comfortable with having nearly no margin of error. If one of us lost our jobs, we'd be so up that creek... so we decided that the timing wasn't quiet right.
Then Lehman Brothers and Merril Lynch happened. And you know what? I don't think I trust this whole financial atmosphere right now. Banks are scrambling. Mortgages will be ridiculous so that they cover their butts on the loans. And I don't think we are finished seeing the backlash. My dream is still to own MY OWN place, not an apartment, I am so over that, but a home, a real place where I can paint walls whatever I want, and decorate things according to my own tastes. And to have a large yard attached to said location.
But it is not happening right now, and I am not really sure I'd be comfortable in this market getting involved with that right now. I still have a little bit of a refugee mentality where I need to be mobile enough to pick up and move if need be and not be shackled with things like property bogging me down.
No doubt I will grow out of that at some point.
In the meantime, I am still apartment bound, but feeling quite mature and clever about it because it was a choice.
If I actually look back at things, I am pretty amazed at how I have picked myself up. And boy have I learned the lessons, man.
We decided not to buy right now, because though we can TECHNICALLY afford it, as in, we have the money to cover it NOW, we aren't comfortable with having nearly no margin of error. If one of us lost our jobs, we'd be so up that creek... so we decided that the timing wasn't quiet right.
Then Lehman Brothers and Merril Lynch happened. And you know what? I don't think I trust this whole financial atmosphere right now. Banks are scrambling. Mortgages will be ridiculous so that they cover their butts on the loans. And I don't think we are finished seeing the backlash. My dream is still to own MY OWN place, not an apartment, I am so over that, but a home, a real place where I can paint walls whatever I want, and decorate things according to my own tastes. And to have a large yard attached to said location.
But it is not happening right now, and I am not really sure I'd be comfortable in this market getting involved with that right now. I still have a little bit of a refugee mentality where I need to be mobile enough to pick up and move if need be and not be shackled with things like property bogging me down.
No doubt I will grow out of that at some point.
In the meantime, I am still apartment bound, but feeling quite mature and clever about it because it was a choice.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
An open letter to my husband:
Sweetie:
I was thinking of some of the discussions we've been having recently about Fathers. Maybe it is because of Father's Day and the fact that you were the first, and maybe only, son to call your dad. And of course the presence of the controversy and tension that swirls around my dad all the time, and the conflict it creates between us.
I was thinking about my younger siblings, and how I love spending time with them, and being part of their lives. And how much I wished I had a father when I was growing up, and even now, who gave a brass farthing for me and was a real presence in my life. I wonder if you understand that it has been a dear wish for all three of us to have a real Father and that we are all lacking. Even now we all struggle with reconciling He Who is our Father with what our ideal would be in a Dad. I know that you may think I am just asking for my heart to be broken repeatedly, and you know, you are probably right. But I can't help hoping and wishing that I had a father, and that wish keeps me trying to make something out of what is, which in reality can never be.
You don't understand, having grown up with both your parents around, and your siblings all nearby, how lucky and spoiled you are. Not spoiled in a bad way - but in a super lucky, I am jealous of you way. Though of course there were rougher times, and you didn't always get along with everyone, never was your closeness undermined or the love you all had for each other questioned.
One of the reasons I love you so much is because I know that one day you'll be a wonderful father - and the kind of father I had always wanted for myself. I can see how involved you'll be, and attentive. And you will want to give your kids the whole world, not make grand promises and then go back on your word. I can see you teaching them about things you love, not competing with them as they grow in knowledge and experience. I can see you respecting them and their choices, not being negative, critical and small-minded. I can see you appreciating their individual achievements in life, and not compare them one to the other, as if they have to be measured against each other in order to count in the world.
One day, I can see you being everything that our fathers are not. You will be a strong role model where they were weak, each in his own way. And though you don't really get the whole deal when it comes to me and my dad, I love the fact that you'd never put YOUR kids in that kind of situation and the buck stops here, so to speak.
I love that I look at you, and see someone who will be the person I would have wanted as my own dad. And I love that it is you.
I was thinking of some of the discussions we've been having recently about Fathers. Maybe it is because of Father's Day and the fact that you were the first, and maybe only, son to call your dad. And of course the presence of the controversy and tension that swirls around my dad all the time, and the conflict it creates between us.
I was thinking about my younger siblings, and how I love spending time with them, and being part of their lives. And how much I wished I had a father when I was growing up, and even now, who gave a brass farthing for me and was a real presence in my life. I wonder if you understand that it has been a dear wish for all three of us to have a real Father and that we are all lacking. Even now we all struggle with reconciling He Who is our Father with what our ideal would be in a Dad. I know that you may think I am just asking for my heart to be broken repeatedly, and you know, you are probably right. But I can't help hoping and wishing that I had a father, and that wish keeps me trying to make something out of what is, which in reality can never be.
You don't understand, having grown up with both your parents around, and your siblings all nearby, how lucky and spoiled you are. Not spoiled in a bad way - but in a super lucky, I am jealous of you way. Though of course there were rougher times, and you didn't always get along with everyone, never was your closeness undermined or the love you all had for each other questioned.
One of the reasons I love you so much is because I know that one day you'll be a wonderful father - and the kind of father I had always wanted for myself. I can see how involved you'll be, and attentive. And you will want to give your kids the whole world, not make grand promises and then go back on your word. I can see you teaching them about things you love, not competing with them as they grow in knowledge and experience. I can see you respecting them and their choices, not being negative, critical and small-minded. I can see you appreciating their individual achievements in life, and not compare them one to the other, as if they have to be measured against each other in order to count in the world.
One day, I can see you being everything that our fathers are not. You will be a strong role model where they were weak, each in his own way. And though you don't really get the whole deal when it comes to me and my dad, I love the fact that you'd never put YOUR kids in that kind of situation and the buck stops here, so to speak.
I love that I look at you, and see someone who will be the person I would have wanted as my own dad. And I love that it is you.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Annie and Anniversary...been a busy time
So, our first anniversary passed. And we decided to celebrate it on June 1 instead of May 13 because Chewy is in finals in school.
On June 1 we went into the city, and Chewy pulled a fast one on me! I knew we were going to Broadway, but I had no idea what show we were going to see. And I didn't try to needle him or find out, but finally on the train I decided to ask him. He said to me, "Ok, I will give you a list of 5". So he listed Young Frankenstein, Little Mermaid, Spamalot, Lion King and Jersey Boys. So between you and me, I have major issues with Disney's not so subtle takeover of Broadway, which had long been cherished as having a certain standard of theater. Taking popular animated films and putting them on the same stages that housed "The King and I" with Yul Brenner, or my favorite though short-lived show, "The Scarlet Pimpernel", smacks of disrespect. I find it very commercial consumerism of Disney to try and make money by branching out into this media.
you can imagine that I was less than thrilled about "Lion King" and "Little Mermaid" being on the list. (I actually have already seen Lion King in London). Spamalot I have never been interested in, and Young Frankenstein is a huge No. I don't know much about Jersey Boys, which makes me nervous... especially considering how much money you'd have to put down to see any of these shows nowadays...on the other hand, I didn't want Chewy to think I was unappreciative. So it was a tough struggle.
I said, "What about Avenue Q?" It was a show I had wanted to see, after hearing alot about it. It is with live people and puppets, you have to see it to understand... and Chewy said, "Don't you remember? It went out of theaters." I had forgotten. I was like, "Oh, man, I forgot."
After a little while, I got out of him that we were going to 45th street. WELL!! I know for a fact that Youg Frankenstein is on 42nd across from Madame Tussaud's, so that was out. And I thought that Spamalot was on 44th, so I figured that was out, too.
When we got to 45th street, I saw a huge sign that said "THE LION KING" and my heart sunk. Not only was I against the Disneficatioin of Broadway, but I had already seen this!! I turned to Chewy and said, "Are we going to the Lion King?" and hes was grinning at me, with this little evil glint in his eye... "No" he said, "let's walk down the block."
You'll never believe it.... We walked down the block and all of a sudden, I saw it - "AVENUE Q"
!!!!!!!!
Apparently it had come back to the theater and Chewy had gotten tickets for us to see it~ what a cool surprise and also he totally faked me out!
It was good, though I liked it better than Chewy did, some parts were REALLY inappropriate. But some were super funny.
It was a cool surprise :)
I am involved in Stage Managing ANNIE, the musical, on Father's Day. It is with 35 girls of assorted ages, and things are coming together. We had a horrible dress rehearsal, but that's ok, it means it will be a terrific show. I know these kids can put it together. In the meantime, my car is jammed with boxes of props that I need to sort out :)
On June 1 we went into the city, and Chewy pulled a fast one on me! I knew we were going to Broadway, but I had no idea what show we were going to see. And I didn't try to needle him or find out, but finally on the train I decided to ask him. He said to me, "Ok, I will give you a list of 5". So he listed Young Frankenstein, Little Mermaid, Spamalot, Lion King and Jersey Boys. So between you and me, I have major issues with Disney's not so subtle takeover of Broadway, which had long been cherished as having a certain standard of theater. Taking popular animated films and putting them on the same stages that housed "The King and I" with Yul Brenner, or my favorite though short-lived show, "The Scarlet Pimpernel", smacks of disrespect. I find it very commercial consumerism of Disney to try and make money by branching out into this media.
you can imagine that I was less than thrilled about "Lion King" and "Little Mermaid" being on the list. (I actually have already seen Lion King in London). Spamalot I have never been interested in, and Young Frankenstein is a huge No. I don't know much about Jersey Boys, which makes me nervous... especially considering how much money you'd have to put down to see any of these shows nowadays...on the other hand, I didn't want Chewy to think I was unappreciative. So it was a tough struggle.
I said, "What about Avenue Q?" It was a show I had wanted to see, after hearing alot about it. It is with live people and puppets, you have to see it to understand... and Chewy said, "Don't you remember? It went out of theaters." I had forgotten. I was like, "Oh, man, I forgot."
After a little while, I got out of him that we were going to 45th street. WELL!! I know for a fact that Youg Frankenstein is on 42nd across from Madame Tussaud's, so that was out. And I thought that Spamalot was on 44th, so I figured that was out, too.
When we got to 45th street, I saw a huge sign that said "THE LION KING" and my heart sunk. Not only was I against the Disneficatioin of Broadway, but I had already seen this!! I turned to Chewy and said, "Are we going to the Lion King?" and hes was grinning at me, with this little evil glint in his eye... "No" he said, "let's walk down the block."
You'll never believe it.... We walked down the block and all of a sudden, I saw it - "AVENUE Q"
!!!!!!!!
Apparently it had come back to the theater and Chewy had gotten tickets for us to see it~ what a cool surprise and also he totally faked me out!
It was good, though I liked it better than Chewy did, some parts were REALLY inappropriate. But some were super funny.
It was a cool surprise :)
I am involved in Stage Managing ANNIE, the musical, on Father's Day. It is with 35 girls of assorted ages, and things are coming together. We had a horrible dress rehearsal, but that's ok, it means it will be a terrific show. I know these kids can put it together. In the meantime, my car is jammed with boxes of props that I need to sort out :)
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
1st Anniversary of Love :)
Can you believe today is our first anniversary?!
I can't.
In some ways, it was like, last week or something when we got married. But on the other hand, I feel like it was so far away - I am so different from that person I was then. A short year ago.
I don't mean to be negative, but I feel older. Not necessarily chronologically, but I feel more Whole somehow, like a more complete person, and therefore, an Adult-type person. It's very different but not in a bad way. Maybe the word is not older, but more mature - or aged as in wine or cheese. Ageing implies both a growth in experience and emotional give and take. It implies not just the day-by-day growth of being a eyar older, but also of being a year wiser experientially.
A year is a full cycle of life. Of holidays, deaths and births. Of life-cycle events such as weddings, bar mitzvahs, graduations. It would be silly to assume anything would stay the same over such a ponderous amount of time, but still it amazes me to look back and see how far we've come, how much we've grown and the obstacles we have left behind.
I could not conceivably live without Chewy now. My soul, as I told him, has become entwined in his so completely as to be unable to function alone. My concept of "person" has become "us" and "we", not "I". Though I am still muchly an independant thinker and person, marching still to that lone drum in my heart, I am more guided than I used to be to the rhythms of Our hearts.
I have to say, it is the most comforting, wonderful feeling.
I love the feeling of chewy's strong arms around me, and the musky man-smell when I bury my head in his chest or that little nook between his neck and shoulder where my head *just* fits comfortably. I love the softness of his skin and his loving and liquid brown eyes looking at me in the morning when I wake up.
I love the way he is SO cute and makes me smile even when I am just thinking about him. I catch myself more than I am willing to admit, with a silly smirk on my face, at all times of day!
It's been a whole year. And we have not only survived, but I believe forged something strong, and lasting. And deepend that which was already there.
Here is to many more loving years together.
I can't.
In some ways, it was like, last week or something when we got married. But on the other hand, I feel like it was so far away - I am so different from that person I was then. A short year ago.
I don't mean to be negative, but I feel older. Not necessarily chronologically, but I feel more Whole somehow, like a more complete person, and therefore, an Adult-type person. It's very different but not in a bad way. Maybe the word is not older, but more mature - or aged as in wine or cheese. Ageing implies both a growth in experience and emotional give and take. It implies not just the day-by-day growth of being a eyar older, but also of being a year wiser experientially.
A year is a full cycle of life. Of holidays, deaths and births. Of life-cycle events such as weddings, bar mitzvahs, graduations. It would be silly to assume anything would stay the same over such a ponderous amount of time, but still it amazes me to look back and see how far we've come, how much we've grown and the obstacles we have left behind.
I could not conceivably live without Chewy now. My soul, as I told him, has become entwined in his so completely as to be unable to function alone. My concept of "person" has become "us" and "we", not "I". Though I am still muchly an independant thinker and person, marching still to that lone drum in my heart, I am more guided than I used to be to the rhythms of Our hearts.
I have to say, it is the most comforting, wonderful feeling.
I love the feeling of chewy's strong arms around me, and the musky man-smell when I bury my head in his chest or that little nook between his neck and shoulder where my head *just* fits comfortably. I love the softness of his skin and his loving and liquid brown eyes looking at me in the morning when I wake up.
I love the way he is SO cute and makes me smile even when I am just thinking about him. I catch myself more than I am willing to admit, with a silly smirk on my face, at all times of day!
It's been a whole year. And we have not only survived, but I believe forged something strong, and lasting. And deepend that which was already there.
Here is to many more loving years together.
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