An open letter to my husband:

Sweetie:

I was thinking of some of the discussions we've been having recently about Fathers. Maybe it is because of Father's Day and the fact that you were the first, and maybe only, son to call your dad. And of course the presence of the controversy and tension that swirls around my dad all the time, and the conflict it creates between us.

I was thinking about my younger siblings, and how I love spending time with them, and being part of their lives. And how much I wished I had a father when I was growing up, and even now, who gave a brass farthing for me and was a real presence in my life. I wonder if you understand that it has been a dear wish for all three of us to have a real Father and that we are all lacking. Even now we all struggle with reconciling He Who is our Father with what our ideal would be in a Dad. I know that you may think I am just asking for my heart to be broken repeatedly, and you know, you are probably right. But I can't help hoping and wishing that I had a father, and that wish keeps me trying to make something out of what is, which in reality can never be.

You don't understand, having grown up with both your parents around, and your siblings all nearby, how lucky and spoiled you are. Not spoiled in a bad way - but in a super lucky, I am jealous of you way. Though of course there were rougher times, and you didn't always get along with everyone, never was your closeness undermined or the love you all had for each other questioned.

One of the reasons I love you so much is because I know that one day you'll be a wonderful father - and the kind of father I had always wanted for myself. I can see how involved you'll be, and attentive. And you will want to give your kids the whole world, not make grand promises and then go back on your word. I can see you teaching them about things you love, not competing with them as they grow in knowledge and experience. I can see you respecting them and their choices, not being negative, critical and small-minded. I can see you appreciating their individual achievements in life, and not compare them one to the other, as if they have to be measured against each other in order to count in the world.

One day, I can see you being everything that our fathers are not. You will be a strong role model where they were weak, each in his own way. And though you don't really get the whole deal when it comes to me and my dad, I love the fact that you'd never put YOUR kids in that kind of situation and the buck stops here, so to speak.

I love that I look at you, and see someone who will be the person I would have wanted as my own dad. And I love that it is you.