Yom Kippur Blues

Boston is a really cool town. In some ways it’s so pretentious. In others, it's so totally laid back.

Forget politics. I don’t care about that. The history, the harbor, the frou-frou colleges, the squashed together townhouses in old brick that manage to look statesmanlike instead of hunched over and old. I really like Boston. It resonates somewhere in my American Soul, which I find totally strange because I didn’t think I really HAD an American Soul. But there’s something in the architecture, history and aura there that really touches me somewhere deep.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur. I spent my Day of Awe/Day of Atonement not really in a state Awe or Atonement, but it was still a profound experience. And I was in Boston. (Hence, the connection to the previous paragraph). My friend and I were leading services for upwards of 300 people. In my naivete, I somehow decided that there would only be 10 people there so it was ok if I messed up or anything. Boy was I wrong. 370 people filed in for the Kol Nidre service - which is the single most well-known Jewish prayer in the world. Actually, if you look at the words, its a legal formula that annuls any oaths and vows one may have made to God over the year. But the tune, which has been around since before the 8th century, is so stirring, and so solemn, with a gravity that belies my flippant way of describing the soul-quivering sounds of a good cantor singing the prayer.

Growing up, Yom Kippur was frightening to me, in an awe-inspiring way. I somehow believed that God was specifically paying attention to ME and MY SINS this one day, and that I was truly on trial for my choices and actions of the previous year. Not only that, there was the added stress of knowing that how well I prayed in this 27 hour period would determine how successful/happy/accomplished/healthy/etc my upcoming year would then be. Talk about pressure. But by the end of the fast, if I hadn’t fainted, I did feel cleansed, purer, more attuned to God, ethereal.

My belief systems have changed since I was 12, 13, 14 and I do not view the day with the same trepidation/excitement as I did then. To be honest, fasting is a bitch. But besides that, I get restless. Not all of the prayers really move me in any way, and the repetitions make me want to bash my head against a wall. I like the singing though.

So this year, to change it up a little (and due to some residual trauma from last year in the ‘hood) I joined a friend in this venture of leading services. And I have to tell you that though it was really interesting and different, and the day flew by, well, fast, (sorry) there was really something missing for me. It is different praying in a group of people who know when to respond, what the tunes are, and the whole choreography of the services. There is a kind of melding, oneness of purpose when everyone in the room is so on the same wavelength. It’s hard to create that sense of community in a group of strangers who are thrown together for a night and a day, with little or no prior experience.

The cool part was that the synagogue we were in had not had services for Yom Kipper in 24 years. And this was the first in over 2 decades. So that was significant. And added kind of a nice karmic touch to it all, I felt. But I left feeling a little dissatisfied. Something was missing.

As I said before, I wasn’t really in an Awe And Atoning place. I was restless. My spirit was restless, seeking some other expression of closeness to God on this, the holiest of days. I think the half hour I sat at Boston Harbor did more for my spiritual psyche then 27 hours of fasting and over a thousand pages of prayer. Sad, really. And I am left a little adrift in my belief system again regarding Judaism. It seems that I don’t fit into the place I had carved for myself, after all. Which leaves me kind of nowhere when it comes to Jewish Ritual practice.

Maybe these formalized rituals are just not for me. Maybe my free-expression has more connection for me than formulaic verse and choreographed prayer to the Being known as Deity. Maybe all this stuff and nonsense - is just, well, Stuff and Nonsense.

Interesting...and a little disturbing.