The Pirate Queen - a girl you'd want to look up to

Chewy and I went to see the Pirate Queen on Broadway.... Actually, until we got to the theater, I wasn't sure WHAT we were going to see. It was a surprise to celebrate our anniversary. It was a great show - kind of intense, but then, so was the subject matter.

Grace O'Malley was known in the 15th century as the Pirate Queen. She nearly bankrupted the British Empire with her sacking of Queen Elizabeth's armada. Finally, in a historic and unprecedented move, the Virgin Queen and the Pirate Queen met face to face to hash out England's annexing of Ireland as a vassal and the terms of that surrender.

It's an exciting and breathtaking piece of history, nearly unheard of in the West, and probably not much talked about in England. But the play started me off on a path to learning more about Grace O'Malley and I have to say, she was really a heroine. Not a Tolkienesque heroine, with faeries and goblins and magicks at hand - but from guts, courage and bravery, she achieved in a Man's world, what no other man was able to do.

I don't feel any connection to her struggles, and to me she's not that kind of a hero. But she was *damn* cool and I loved the play, especially since its based on truth.

Thanks, Chewy!

Mind Melds and other Spockisms

Sometimes I wish I could mind meld. Not often, as I am actually an extremely private person when it comes to my innermost thoughts. But there are times when I am frustrated with trying to communicate some strong feeling or another and I wish I could insert into my opponents brain the full force of my thoughts, feelings and process in one package so that they truly see and feel what I am feeling. Sometimes my thoughts themselves are complicated and so convoluted that if I tried to sort them out and explain them, I too couldn't make logical sense out of them as individual threads. But they make sense to me or are revealed to me as a pattern if I were to look at the complete thought. It feels like an emotional ball of yarn. Outwardly, it has form, but if you look closer, it is a snarled mess of knotted strings. And that is hard to convey.

Right now I am in the grip of some extremely strong balls of yarn, simultaneously banging around in my skull and my heart. (Oddly enough, they somehow have become connected, which is a scientific miracle in and of itself!) Perhaps to balance each other, one is extremely positive, full to bursting is warm, healing, loving, sunshine-y energy. The other is darker, more angry, frustrated and belligerent. Perhaps a little edgy and destructive. A ball of yarn indeed. This one has picked up some barbed wire along the way.

Were I a Vulcan, such passions would undo me. Neither the positive nor the negative set is logical, or can be explained in an empirical, scientific way. Yet they are just as valid, and possess as much Kinetic Energy as any equation in Physics or Mathematics.

Besides, is the path to "living long and prospering" really the method of excising emotion from one's makeup totally? I'd rather go through a tempestuous argument and feel the renewal of love at the end once a compromise is reached. Wouldn't life be so dull if neither end of the spectrum could be experienced?

So I am not a Vulcan. And I do not possess the ability to mind meld. I guess that means that I have to find ways to express these mixed-up and uncomfortable balls of emotion in words or actions - though perhaps the way I express them should also be done delicately. How frustrating.

I see now that sometimes its not that I feel lonely for lack of someone to talk to about these things, its sometimes a lack of ability to talk about these things which stops me.

*sigh*

So now I have posted the issue - but am not one step closer to being able to unravel the snarly feelings I have collecting lint, dust and more strings inside me. And some of these things will just go on until I have found a mechanism to deal with them. Maybe I need to focus on problem solving, instead of articulation. Perhaps I will be more successful...

My Movie Review - a short list

So - its been a while since I have written a movie review... actually, it's been a while since I've seen new movies! Well, kind of.

I am writing about three movies I have seen recently. One is REALLY NEW - the others are out on DVD.

1. 300 - (The official description: In the ancient Battle of Thermopylae, King Leonidas and 300 Spartans fought to the death against Xerxes and his massive Persian army) This is a very new movie. It came out last weekend, and we went to see it Saturday night. I have to admit at the outset that we left in the middle - well, about 40 minutes before the end - just because the violence got to be too much and really, really overdone. All told, I really liked the movie - it was a very interesting piece of art in terms of cinematography, the story is interesting and inspiring (can anyone say "Chanukkah Story"?) and the visual effects were pretty cool. HOWEVER - I highly doubt the king of Sparta (in Greece) had an accent that hailed from the bonny hills of Scotland, but he was pretty hot. As a rule, I don't mind violence and a bit of gore (hello - I'm a CSI freak!) so a random decapitation doesnt really bother me in theory - but to watch it in slow motion, and see blood spatter across the screen for a full 2 1/2 minutes is kind of stomach-turning. I also had an issue with the gratuitous and unneccesary sex scene which was like, "come ON, people, get a room". Once the animals started getting killed, I was kind of over it. Like similar-themed "Troy", an ok movie, not worth the big screen, but somewhat entertaining... Not one I'd see again though.

2. The Prestige - (The official description: Robert and Alfred are rival magicians. When Alfred performs the ultimate magic trick, Robert tries desperately to find out the secret to the trick)I've always liked Hugh Jackman. He is the hottest Wolverine I have ever seen. And I thought this movie was pretty cool in concept - rival magicians, vying for that ultimate trick. Not a bad premise, and I was hoping to see some cool magic tricks, David Blaine style. But it was a HUGE disappointing, boring waste of time movie. It is about revenge. The whole thing. And it's more than a little disturbing how that plays out. I would NOT recommend this at all. I did not enjoy this movie.

3. The Illusionist - (The official description: In turn-of-the-century Vienna, a magician (Ed Norton - who looks terriffic in this movie) uses his abilities to secure the love of a woman far above his social standing) Ok, to start off, that description does NOT do justice to the depth and intricacy of this movie's plot. The storytelling is masterful, well-woven and complex. The lighting and cinematography are brooding, add mystery and texture to the story, and make it more 3 dimensional. I LOVED this movie. It was a great story, nothing gory, gross or offensive. It's about love, wits and magic, with a twist you'd never see coming. I was totally engrossed in this movie, straight up to the end, though I was able to figure the story out. And that didn't at all take away from it, as it was so totally well-done. I recommend this movie Very Highly - to see, to own, and to see again.

There you have it - these are my opinions. If you have seen any of these, please share yours:)

In Love with Chewbacca

** Beware! If you don't like things that are slightly mushy, sentimental or emotive - step away from the blog... just do as I say... step away from the blog... theres nothing to see here! **

Usually, I am not the type of person to hang my private feelings out on the line for all to see (except the occasional venting session, but those aren't the feelings I was referring to.) However, it has been a LONG time since I have updated this journal. Partly from grief, partly from being busy and caught up in Wedding details... but none of that is really an excuse. I'm not even going to attempt to backtrack a month and a half, but I will somewhat sum up by saying - I truly Love Chewbacca.

There. That says it all.

Our one year anniversary was on February 8th. It was grand, we bought steaks (THICK ones!) and Chewy barbequed them, with the secret family recipe marinade, and we invited Mom to join us in a nice candlelight dinner in the Dining Room. It was lovely. Did I mention that the day after the burglary chewy bought me a necklace so that I immediately had something to call my own? (And my sisters also decided to help the cause in replenishing my supply - and creating new memories - and sent a gorgeous necklace from Israel! - but I digress)

Speaking of the burglary - not to knock New York's Finest - but what exactly are they the finest at? Eating a dozen doughnuts in under a minute? Because their detective skills are SORELY lacking! Ok, I am off that soapbox.

We found an apartment, not too close, but not too far. It is absolutely lovely. Tall ceilings, wide windows, wooden floors, facing 2 directions so lots of sunlight.... I really loved it the first time I went in. We signed today actually, for a 2 year lease. So Yay Us!

But other things have been brewing as well, and to put it simply, we had a HUGE ARGUMENT today. I'm not embarrassed to tell you that, whoever is reading this, because the outcome of said argument was that I feel in love all over again with my sweetie. We were on the phone at work back and forth and it was getting pretty ugly.

Finally I left work at 2:30 and we met up to "talk it out" (which I was convinced was a euphemism for "get over yourself or I'm breaking the whole thing off" - yeah it was that bad) . ANYHOOO we met up and instead of perpetuating the ickyness my sweetie sat me down and calmly talked to me about his issues and concerns, which forced me to also respond calmly (I was only partially successful I have to admit in all honesty. He's a better person than me - I take longer to down-shift)

Now I am not going to pretend that I enjoyed this. No sir. But I left with a renewed, reborn feeling of Love because that whole argument and conversation brought us closer and strengthened our commitment to each other. So that was lovely.

** END OF THE MUSHY STUFF - (which wasn't so bad I think) **

Other good news - Chewbacca has accepted a new job! Yay! I am so excited for him - his whole life has been moving upwards in leaps and bounds! He is getting brilliant grades in school and now a new job!

I also have been offered a new job, which is creating major loyalty issues for me (damn my work ethic!) and I finally got the guts up to give notice (one month!) to my current location and they argued with me (lawyers!) and it became harder for me. So that is unresolved, however, I still intend to accept the new position and continue moving onwards as well in my own journey.

I know this summary is rather sparse considering the amount of time I have been silent. I apologize. It is also the first free time I have had since then, and after watching a re-run of CSI, I realized I actually had time to do ME THINGS.... imagine that!

So I came down here to say Hey. I'll try to be more communicative....

:)

Redistribution of Wealth

There is a theory of International Relations in which an infrastructure is “shaken down” and there is a complete redistribution of wealth, resources and power. An example of this would be a coup d’etat or some form of Revolutionary activity. (Forgive me for dusting off my Masters Degree and using it for a moment!)

While I am in theory very appreciative of the idea of redistributing the world’s wealth, Robin Hood style, and am just as frustrated as the next person by the gross chasm separating the “classes” in this country, upon my firsthand experience with the practical applications of this theory, I find myself revising my opinion.

Saturday night I was totally and completely robbed, burgled, thieved, taken advantage of and violated. I was in the house, watching a movie, and someone entered my room on the second floor via my window, made free with all my electronics, purses, wallet, and my jewelry. All of it. All of the bracelets, necklaces, rings and earrings that I inherited or received as gifts from my dead grandmothers. All of the things that had been dragged across the ocean, twice, on my own back. That escaped with me when I liberated myself from my Hellish situation. Who were dear friends to me, comforting presences in a life that has been somewhat nomadic. I liked my stuff. Each thing meant something to me, more than the sentimentalism attached to who it came from. Whether it was how they made me feel, or what time in my life I received them, each piece represented to me something about myself.

It is entirely wigging me out that someone was freely making his way through my room as I was downstairs, watching a movie and relaxing….feeling safe (moron that I was). And it is creepy to think that when I heard a creak, I walked around the first floor to see if anything was amiss – and that had I ventured upstairs to my room – well, I could be posting this from the afterlife. I feel disgusting – he watched us, made sure we were engrossed in the movie, closed my door to give himself time and minimize the noise. I feel dirty, exposed, vulnerable.

And I also lost that safe haven, that little bubble I had created for myself of my own – my nesting area where I shut out the world and was in my own Sacred Space.

Desecrated. Violated. Gone.

I am no longer comfortable in my room, in the house. I feel the energies have shifted, its funky, dirty, strange. It feels cold to me.

I am complately depressed. Not only about the loss of meaningful items, but also about the loss of security and safety I had. I feel adrift again and rootless. Back to tumbleweed mode. My privacy has been violated; my innermost sanctum has been breached. I am not so materialistic as to mourn the loss of Jewelry – merely the meaning attached to them and the indignation that with all I have thus far been through – these are MINE.

I hate being a victim. I hate feeling like a victim. And I am just so, so depressed.

Capturing the Magic

Ever have one of those days when all you want to do is get into your pajamas and hang out in bed, under your feather quilt, with some tea or cocoa and a movie or a book? That was last night for me.

It was cold, well, not even seasonably cold, but colder than it has been and that was enough to be too cold for me (who, it turns out, is apparently a weather snob). My day had been long - starting with a workout at 7:15am, running home to shower and change, then back to work (the gym is literally next door), then a long day at work, then run to mom’s daycare for a Chanukkah party, then dinner with mom.

I had been out of the house over 12 hours, and I was tired, brain dead and cold. All I wanted was a shower, pajamas and bed.

The house was dark, except the lights from our Chanukiot in the window. When I walked in, I smelled something sweet, perfumy in the air and couldn’t believe my eyes.

The staircase was covered in Rose petals. Red, pink. Pink, red. A riot of Love and Color. And alternating right and left, there was a candle on each step, lit, aromatic, and leading me to the darkened second floor, where I knew Chewbacca was waiting.

I whispered to my mom, "Are those for me?" She whispered "Well, they’re not for me!". So I whispered, "I’m going upstairs now" and she replied "That’s a good idea."

Carefully, I walked upstairs, anticipating, excited, in a daze, and nervous. All was dark. I went into my room and stopped dead in my tracks.

Chewy had strewn rose petals all over my floor. And on top of those fragrant petals was a heart made from candles, flanked on three sides by bouquets of flowers, and propped up behind was the words to our song (This Kind of Love by Sister Hazel) on a beautiful poster.

Then Chewy stepped out of the shadows. He looked fantastic. He was wearing a dark suit, French Cuffed shirt and he was stylin’! And I had missed him because he had been so distracted the past few days, it had created distance between us and I missed our closeness. I reached for him and said "Hi". He said, "Shhh, I’m on a schedule" then said, "Ok, you can say hi, that’s ok, Hi".

Then Chewbacca read me a poem he wrote about why he loves me, and got down on his knee for the last 4 lines, opened up a box which held a necklace and matching bracelet (the ring is on order) and asked me to marry him.

(I said Yes in case you were wondering)

The rest of the night is like a blur. People started coming over, family members and close friends. It is traditional to make a toast to the new couple on the night they become engaged to add a positive energy/karma to their union. The house was humming with the amount of people who came. There was so much joy and love and affection pouring out from everyone, people were so genuinely pleased for us, it was humbling, awe inspiring and precious. We frantically made phone calls to family and friends who were too far away to join us (though it seemed to me that EVERYONE knew already, as they had been clued in prior to the event. Everyone knew except me!)

The proposal was not only romantic, well thought out, well executed and ....well, perfect. It was exactly what I wanted. I am skittish about surprises and really don’t like public displays. This was private, between us, shared by no one in the moment, and something that we can treasure with each other forever.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I didn’t get to put on my pajamas until the wee hours of the morning......but I’m not complaining.

Festival of Lights (including microwaves and infrared)

I believe Chanukkah is my favorite holiday. There are others I love, but this one has always been special to me. I love watching the flames (ok, slight residual pyromania from my childhood there) and the warmth of the glow from family, loved ones and the soft light of candles burning in the window. I love driving past houses with their chanukiot lit up and feeling connected to those strangers in a visceral, history-sharing way.

I always feel less lonely on this holiday - though my years in Tennessee were difficult because I was the lone Jew lighting my pitifully small candles in a desert of humanity. The light of my menorah made nary a dent in the darkness around me. (Besides, it had to compete with the crystal meth lab down the block and they had some spectacular flares).

Chanukkah for me is a time to reconnect or seek depth in relationships with loved ones. Whether they are far away, or generally out of touch, I always feel a deepening of my love and affection for those in my life, and though I dont always reach out and make those connections again, I *do* feel them and reinforce that emotion within. Sometimes I am blessed with the ability or opportunity to express my joy and appreciation to those that I love and I try to do so when I can.

So, from my heart to yours, with lots of Love and affection- Happy Chanukkah.

G.L.O.F

If I were to be very honest with myself, I would say that for the most part, I like to control my life. I like to be able to decide for myself what I will do, where I will go, what my goals are. And though there are many negative associations with the word "control", I mean it in a positive, independent and empowered way. I like to know things. I like to be clued in. I don’t like surprises, where I can’t prepare myself for what is ahead. It’s a control thing. But it is entirely aimed at myself.
Sometimes, though, you have to take Giant Leaps of Faith. And those are tremendously scary for a person like me who is perhaps overly cerebral. Ok, not perhaps. I *am* extremely cerebral.
I like to think that I am able to make those GLOFs when they appear, not being overwhelmed with my own sense of Destiny or Ego to acknowledge the opportunity they present to move forward in time on my path, to make a small quantum jump onto a higher plane.
I have just made such a GLOF and my usual radars are spinning off the charts trying to adjust to the new heading. Once the bearings settle down, I am positive all indications will be positive, moving towards fulfillment, peace and wholeness.
And though I also can see the shoals, the rocky seas and the bad weather that crops up, I am confident that I have plotted a course towards ultimate happiness.
May God keep the helm steady and on course, and may He always be the compass by which I guide this vessel.

Chewy's Movie Review #4 - Casino Royale

Casino Royale (2006)
It's always tricky trying to revitalize a franchise. Especially one as popular as Bond. You have to give the filmmakers credit. They take a virtual unknown in Daniel Craig and they rebuild the Bond franchise around him (I for one was never a fan of Pierce Brosnan as James Bond and was very happy to see him go). Craig is the most exciting Bond since Sean Connery. I was totally digging his character. I like this edgier Bond much more. Pierce always seemed as if he could use his obnoxious smug look on his face to get him out of anything. Well - bye bye Brosnan, Hello the New Bond! The film however was good but not great. The movie was exciting and funny at times and dragged out at others. It should have been shortened by about a half hour or so and some of the plot was sketchy. It was all in all a fun ride though and one that I would recommend.

Adventures in Indiana

Guys - if you didnt know me, you wouldnt believe the story I am about to tell you. But i swear to you, this is totally true. And it happened to me last weekend.

Thanksgiving was great, I made the feast with a few twists, and it was really lovely. 2 things you need to know: 1) last weekend was the Bar Mitzvah of my cousin in Indianapolis so 90 of us descended on that poor town for the festivities. 2) on Monday I found a weird, painful lump on my rear right thigh...an inconvenient location for such ativities as walking, standing, sitting, laying down... you know. It was about the size of a bee bite, and stingy painful so i put on some anti-itch stuff and went about my business.

By Wednesday, my parasite was larger, more painful and i finally went to the Dr (while my soup and cornbread were up) and got some antibiotics, apparently it was an abscess - like a boil (biblical times come alive!) which is caused by a skin infection. Okeledokele.

Friday morning at 3:00am we get up to go fly to Indy, after all the triptophen we ate, its amazing we were even awake. We flew to Detroit where our connection was promptly cancelled and we were stranded in Detroit airport, panicking about renting cars and driving (5 hour trip) or waiting for the next flight (3 hour wait) and hoping that one can get off the ground. After all that drama, we waited and were able to leave Detroit (not a fun airport) and got to Indy at about 2pm. I took a shower at 3:30 and noticed that my alien being residing in my thigh was about golf ball size, just as hard, painful to the touch and radiating redness about the size of a softball all over my thigh.

off to the ER we went. Not a typical ER, mind you, a down home, Indiana style Chop-Shop ER, where people come when their tractors ran over their toes. And after 3 hours waiting in the waiting room, and additional hour in the exam room waiting for the doctor, where to pass the time we sang "Kumbaya My Lord" and other meaningful songs, I was given 10 shots of novicaine in my thigh and he cut open the abscess, drained the blood and pus, and scraped my skin of the hives the bacteria had formed underneath (Note: this paragraph is not for the faint of heart - well, its too late i suppose) By the way, I FELT IT ALL and it was EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL. You see, when the bacteria infects your body, it raises the level of acidity in your system. Novicaine is effective when your PH is balanced or slightly basic, ergo i was in DEEP DOO DOO.

Guys - i know its funny. Really, this story is unbelievable and i wouldnt believe it myself if it wasnt me that it happened to. But it was painful and traumatic and i was shaking with reaction and pain the rest of the weekend. shaking, tembling, my bones were knocking together so hard i was sure you could hear it if you stood close enough to me.

at 4:00am sunday we flew back to NY (Thank you Expedia for the stellar travel arrangements!) and i went to my dr who referred me to a surgeon who has been monitoring me all week because the incision is STILL OPEN and DRAINING ICKY BACTERIAL PUS. sounds exciting, no? they cant stitch it up till its out, because otherwise it will make a new mound. So..... I was out of work till today (depression that i had to go back at all *sigh*) and I am still sleeping on my stomach. Sitting has gotten a little less uncomfortable.

I am allowed to shower now too (hallelujah!). Yesterday was my first shower since Friday and maaaaaaaaan! was that orgasmic! now i have to shower 2x a day to let the stuff run out of the open wound. I'm gonna nominate this surgeon for some hygenic award or another when i get around to it:)

anyways, thats why I've been out of touch. And see, i sat long enough to write this, so that must mean i am on the mend. :)

My Fair Lady - a head-scratching ending

I have seen this movie a few times in my life. Safely, I would say 5 or 6 times. And not recently. Since I was home sick, I put it on to watch, as I love Audrey Hepburn, who I think is the most beautiful woman who ever lived, and the outfits are outrageously artistic.

I understand the story is based on the myth of Pygmalion and Galatea, and the screenplay is based on the play "Pygmalion" but I am still totally baffled by the ending. And though I thought that as an older, wiser person who has experienced Love, perhaps I'd understand better the whole last part after the ball where she moves out (to where, one wonders) and she confronts him in the garden at his mothers house, then shows up at his house and he asks her for his slippers.

I'm sorry, WHAT?! You lost me on the sharp, right turn out there. So if you happen to know what I mean, please respond and explain to me how that ending makes any sense at all. In my experience with human relationships, that doesn't make a stitch of sense to me.

Chewy's Movie Review #3 - Deja Vu

Comment: Another weird ending!
Mood: Stale
Rating: 6/10

I saw the movie Deja Vu this Saturday night. Wow. I'm on some kind of roll here. This is the third movie in a row that I have qualms about the ending of the movie. I hope I get off of this unlucky streak soon.

This movie is ok. As usual, director Tony Scott has his unique style of shooting the film "at work" which I really enjoy. There are certain parts of the story which are cool like the police having a survellience system set up that they can go 4 days in the past and recreate everything that's going on in a 180 degree radius of a particular area. Which means that they can see everything that goes on and hear everything in that entire area (don't forget people that this is a sci-fi movie). I mean think about how many more crimes would be solved if the police actually had this kind of technology! It's just that some parts of the movie are real filler and others (including the ending) make absolutely no sense. I also would have liked Jim caviezel's character to have been a little more than your typical Class A psycho. Denzel is fun to watch as usual but his charisma alone unfortunately cannot save this movie from being more than just ok.

Chewy's Movie Review #2 - Happy Feet

Comment: Coulda Been Truly Great
MOOD: Grumpy
Rating: 7/10


Happy Feet (2006) This is a hard one to review. For most of the movie I truly thought this was going to be one of the greatest animated films I had ever seen. The characters really appealed to me, it was very funny, the animation is probably the best I have EVER seen!!! But the end was a mess. I understand that the filmakers were trying to convey an important message but the way that it was delivered really hurt the film. I felt like I had jumped from one movie to an entirely different one and I didn't like the second film much at all. Also the music wasn't very good (a few of the songs were not appropiate for an animated movie at all!). Listen up filmakers: Take the seriousness down a few notches next time!All in all this was a good movie however and I would recommend seeing it in the theaters for the CGI alone. If that dosen't mean much to you then wait for video.

My Own Movie Review - Happy Feet

Comment: A Good Movie!
Mood: Pleasantly surprised!
Rating: 8/10

Chewbacca and I went to see Happy Feet, the animated movie about a penguin who was born without a heart-song and is shunned by the community though he was able to express himself through tap dancing.

Here are my thoughts, per the different hats I wear:

1) voice animator hat - I liked the movie alot - it was beautifully done in animation, with heavy doses of inspiration from "March of the Penguins" (another fabulous, gorgeous movie). The voices were well cast, and the soundtrack was nicely woven with music from a number of different genres.

2) conservationist hat - I *loved* the message of this movie. It had a perfect educational zinger about littering/food chain/conservation/endangered species. And I appreciate the message that you are supposed to walk away with.

3) movie goer hat - I loved the movie - BUT the ending was awkward, heavy-handed and abrupt. Though the message is terriffic (see above) the execution was choppy and unbelievable. It is unrealistic to portray issues of conservation, fishing rights and pollution as being resolved in a relatively short period of time.

All in all, there were some really interesting theological aspects to this, like the basis of worship in the penguin community (though a little too much gratuitous Christian symbolism for my taste overall), good music, sweeping, beautiful animation, great characters and a good storyline.

The ending is my only discontent with the movie, but I still recommend it highly!

Chewy's Movie Review #1 - The Departed

COMMENT: One of the worst endings to a movie ever!
MOOD: Frustrated
RATING: 2/10

The Departed (2006) - I was very excited to go and see this film. It has a great cast. It was directed by the same man who brought us Goodfellas (probably my favorite mob movie of all time btw!). The previews looked amazing. Unfortunately you will only walk away from this movie VERY disappointed! For the first good while I was excited. It started slow and then grew very interesting by the mid mark. I was thinking that it was going to be a great movie. But all of the buildup goes absolutely nowhere by the end of this film! It has one of the WORST endings I have ever seen! Talk about a total anticlimatic joykill! I should have been somewhat forewarned with Scorcsese's recent track record. His last several movies have been pretty crappy as well. I however, love a good crime drama and after seeing the previews and reading all of the amazing reviews I felt that I had to go see this. I mean are all of the critics today on crack or what? Anyway, don't waste your money on the theater and don't bother renting this.

Check out Chewy's Movie Blog here

10 year closure

October 29, 2006

Make a note of it - This is an important historical date. It’s not going to show up in any textbooks. But history was made that day. Though when I think about it, its probably more like 15 year closure.

Mom and I had “The Talk” tonight. The subject was one that we skirt around, try to ignore, pretend it didn’t happen, and harbor all kinds of pain, anger and resentment about.

Our “break-up”.

Though in my case, I’d say, “My Disowning and Subsequent Expulsion From the Family”. I can’t speak for my mom, so I don’t know what pet name she’d refer to it by, but I can imagine it would be something along the lines of “That Time When My Heart Broke and I Lost My Daughter”. Or something. Dunno.

But she brought it up. She needed closure, and as I move on with my life, there will be less opportunities to discuss these things without other people around, etc. So she’d like me to tell her my side of the story - what happened. I resisted at first, because I felt like it would destroy the rapport we’ve worked so hard to build by going into that deep, dark pit of madness. I didn’t want to argue, assign blame and go back there. But she said she’d listen, not invalidate my feelings or thoughts, and not argue or deny, but listen and accept. So I plunged in and without embellishment, told her about That Time. The Dark Ages. The Expulsion. The loss of Trust. The Betrayal...the whole 9 yards. And I didn’t soften it, but I didn’t dwell in it either.

And she listened. Accepted. Heard me out. And apologized.

Apologized!

Those of you who know me and what I have been through could scoff and say that an apology does not even begin to repair the damage...but I disagree. More than anything, I always wanted someone to understand what I was saying, thinking, explaining. It’s ok if we didn’t agree, but the most frustrating part of my life is when people don’t understand me and I feel like I am talking to the walls. Her apology meant to me that she understood the pain she caused, the letdown, the failure as a parent to truly get to know me and meet my needs. And she said as much, which I was tremendously proud of her for, and also very, very touched.

I can’t really express the emotions we barreled through - fear, sadness, grief, pain, compassion, elation, love, nostalgia. It was a good talk, and healed so much for both of us, and it was less scary than I was expecting, which was nice. Though just as emotionally draining, which is ok.

I’m telling you this, so you can bear witness to the historical date of October 29, 2006.

Earthshattering moments should be shared.

Bible Mishaps - (be very afraid)

A friend of a friend is working as a proofreader for a company that publishes Bibles (New Testament). She has compiled a list of some of the funniest typos she's found, which I am posting here...

"And yo, you are worth much more than the birds."
"This glorifies God's power to flee his people"
"God's renown, character, immorality, and perfection all make him uniquely great."
"God's presence was the only guarantee that his people would be safe from their enemas."
"Home is where inhabitants are neutered without suffocation for who they are."
"God has total power over Stan and his evil forces."
"God explained the Day of Stonement to his people."
"This chapter records what might be the saddest event in the history of Israel, surpissed only by the crucifixion of Jesus."
"For more information on this topic, visit sickipedia.org. "
"When a time lapse complicates your emotions about what God promised, he sends reminders, grits, and encouragement to bolster your faith."
"Moses could have set the scene for God to get all the attention once water flowered from the rock."
"This was still the case when God chose Mary to beat the Son of God."
"...The Who truly respected the Lord."
"God's chosen people were gifted with sound, quality advice from their Marker."
"But ladies like Abigail, Samuel and Esther used their beauty for good."
"With loose change and gently used donations, you can support thrift stores, food panties, child sponsorships, refugee services, or countless other ministries."
"God loves seeing his people use the talents he gave them for his horror."
"The people had evidently accepted the outpouring of God's blessing and fellowship as aight, not a privilege."
"Like an ox gorged with fog, they were lazy, stubborn, and unwilling to serve God."
"My lover skips upon the mountains... "
"The listeners described in our text respond to the Worm of God with their emotions."
"People react to God's promises on many elves."
"The Weed must permeate the foundations of our lives."
"Otherwise the same superficial excitement of a swift decision will poot the truth to the side." "He had to provide leadership for his own fearful and complaining pole."
"Try meditating on the Weird of God."
"This behavior molds our character nerd guides our footsteps."

Whirling Dervishes

I love that phrase. Say it ten times, fast.

But that's really what the past few weeks have felt like. I keep thinking of tornadoes, waterspouts, hurricanes, tumbleweed.... Things that the wind whips up and makes move around at a dizzying pace and then abruptly sets down in chaos and disarrray.

Yup, that pretty much describes the past few weeks. (You know, it occurs to me that I have no idea if it has literally BEEN a few weeks or it just feels interminable that way.)

Here's the list - since I don't know that I have enough time to actually get into it all:
1) Travel to Ohio to visit a sick friend (I hate Detroit Airport!!!)
2) Endure her determined efforts to recruit me to Rabbinical School (No, I'm not interested)
3) Sick boyfriend which scares and panics me (a whole 'nother post I'm sure, to figure out the roots of that reaction to his relatively common, though painful pinched nerve)
4) Fun wedding last night where ghosts of my past manifest themselves in people at the wedding who I haven't seen or heard from in upwards of 13 years.
5) Re-discovery of another old friend popping out of the woodwork - which is cool.
6) Work sucks.
7) Have to finish making scarves to sell at Holiday Boutiques (Chanukkah)
8) Needs Assessment in Zambia - don't ask, it's like the big white elephant I am pretending I can't see in front of me.
9) One friends' break-up. One friends' miracle pregnancy (we are at 7 weeks!)
10) Wanting to go to Israel. Ireland. Zambia. Madagascar. Australia. The Moon.

I feel kind of overwhelmed actually. I havent been sleeping and so that makes me achy, tired and a little cranky, to be honest. I have some life choices I need to take care of (like finding a JOB) and I dont have the energy for it. I'd love to actually go away and relax, as opposed to the traveling I have been doing recently which is always to DO something or SEE someone. It's not over yet, Thanksgiving I have to go to Indy for a family Bar Mitzvah. And I have to leave Chewbacca behind which makes me annoyed and anxious.

I think it would be nice to breathe. Don't you?

Sometimes I look at my calendar and am amazed and appalled at how much I take on. I can't even find one stupid weekend to go away to DC to visit friends and hang out.

I think that what I really need, is a hot toddy and a good night's sleep, a calm weekend with no overbooking of activities, some hot cocoa and Chewy, hanging out in pajamas all day, and time.

Anyone willing to take bets on how much of that I can actually do?

Almost Less Homeless

Yesterday I did something totally compulsive, and as I did I felt really adult, and really REAL, but also kind of silly and what-the-hell-am-I-doing. I went to see an apartment - though it turned out not to be an apartment, but the entire ground floor of a sweet little house, on a quiet dead end street.

I'll back up. I've been feeling that restless need-my-own-space thing again. It's been a year and change and I need to move on, get my own space going, nest in it, decorate and cook and be in MY bat-cave. So I halfheartedly have been surfing around classifieds and realtors and stuff, looking at what rents are about. And yesterday I got a hit.

So - on a whim, I called the realtor and made up to go see the place during lunch. Which was about 15 minutes later.

I go to their office, which is a little hole in the wall tucked away between a bank and a gas station. The place stinks like stale cigarette smoke and the sign in the window lists the Licensed Realtor as a man. But when I go in, there are 2 women there, a mother/daughter team I later figure out, who share the last name as that licensed realtor, but are not men. So I dont really know if they are licensed. Weird. So I file that observation away. And they are both smoking in my face when I come in, which I found rude and lazy.

Now, I had spoken on the phone with a woman whose voice is so ruined by cigarettes that her age is completely unable to be determined. She also lacks people skills, phone skills, and when I met her, fashion skills - except the lugged out Infiniti she drives which I found interesting, and gaudy. The agreement was that if I were to rent through them I needed to pay a fee of 10% of one year's rent to them. That was about $1680. Explains the infiniti...

We drive to the house. (After she got lost, asked for directions, and then got lost again before finding it - this after she was gushing all about it and how it looks, when it became quickly obvious she'd never ever been there - Third Strike) Ok - so now that I have set you up to understand how much I instantly didn't like or trust this Realtor - we get to the house.

It is airy, bright, lots of windows, nice paint job with nice colors, a private back porch, large backyard, driveway and private side entrance, and storage in half the basement, gorgeous wooden flooring in the dining/room area, washer and dryer hookup, a nice eat-in kitchen with wonderful amounts of cabinets and counterspace and a large king-sized bedroom with an odd little alcove/room off to the side of it to be used as a nursery, or computer room. The weird parts were the location of the only bathroom (near the back door off the kitchen) and the closets (in the hall near the front door), and the fact that I had to bring my own fridge (?).

I truly loved the space. I loved the yard, the large kitchen, the feeling of Homeyness that you don't quite get in an apartment, the owner was a nice older woman who seemed very sweet.

But I really didn't like the Realtor, and when it came down to it, the layout was really odd, and I haven't really gotten a handle on what I can afford in terms of rent + utilities + Life. And in the end, I balked. But for a little while, I was almost less homeless. And that was a nice feeling.

Yom Kippur Blues

Boston is a really cool town. In some ways it’s so pretentious. In others, it's so totally laid back.

Forget politics. I don’t care about that. The history, the harbor, the frou-frou colleges, the squashed together townhouses in old brick that manage to look statesmanlike instead of hunched over and old. I really like Boston. It resonates somewhere in my American Soul, which I find totally strange because I didn’t think I really HAD an American Soul. But there’s something in the architecture, history and aura there that really touches me somewhere deep.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur. I spent my Day of Awe/Day of Atonement not really in a state Awe or Atonement, but it was still a profound experience. And I was in Boston. (Hence, the connection to the previous paragraph). My friend and I were leading services for upwards of 300 people. In my naivete, I somehow decided that there would only be 10 people there so it was ok if I messed up or anything. Boy was I wrong. 370 people filed in for the Kol Nidre service - which is the single most well-known Jewish prayer in the world. Actually, if you look at the words, its a legal formula that annuls any oaths and vows one may have made to God over the year. But the tune, which has been around since before the 8th century, is so stirring, and so solemn, with a gravity that belies my flippant way of describing the soul-quivering sounds of a good cantor singing the prayer.

Growing up, Yom Kippur was frightening to me, in an awe-inspiring way. I somehow believed that God was specifically paying attention to ME and MY SINS this one day, and that I was truly on trial for my choices and actions of the previous year. Not only that, there was the added stress of knowing that how well I prayed in this 27 hour period would determine how successful/happy/accomplished/healthy/etc my upcoming year would then be. Talk about pressure. But by the end of the fast, if I hadn’t fainted, I did feel cleansed, purer, more attuned to God, ethereal.

My belief systems have changed since I was 12, 13, 14 and I do not view the day with the same trepidation/excitement as I did then. To be honest, fasting is a bitch. But besides that, I get restless. Not all of the prayers really move me in any way, and the repetitions make me want to bash my head against a wall. I like the singing though.

So this year, to change it up a little (and due to some residual trauma from last year in the ‘hood) I joined a friend in this venture of leading services. And I have to tell you that though it was really interesting and different, and the day flew by, well, fast, (sorry) there was really something missing for me. It is different praying in a group of people who know when to respond, what the tunes are, and the whole choreography of the services. There is a kind of melding, oneness of purpose when everyone in the room is so on the same wavelength. It’s hard to create that sense of community in a group of strangers who are thrown together for a night and a day, with little or no prior experience.

The cool part was that the synagogue we were in had not had services for Yom Kipper in 24 years. And this was the first in over 2 decades. So that was significant. And added kind of a nice karmic touch to it all, I felt. But I left feeling a little dissatisfied. Something was missing.

As I said before, I wasn’t really in an Awe And Atoning place. I was restless. My spirit was restless, seeking some other expression of closeness to God on this, the holiest of days. I think the half hour I sat at Boston Harbor did more for my spiritual psyche then 27 hours of fasting and over a thousand pages of prayer. Sad, really. And I am left a little adrift in my belief system again regarding Judaism. It seems that I don’t fit into the place I had carved for myself, after all. Which leaves me kind of nowhere when it comes to Jewish Ritual practice.

Maybe these formalized rituals are just not for me. Maybe my free-expression has more connection for me than formulaic verse and choreographed prayer to the Being known as Deity. Maybe all this stuff and nonsense - is just, well, Stuff and Nonsense.

Interesting...and a little disturbing.