New Year Resolutions

As the Jewish New Year approaches, my thoughts turn introspective… though it seems that the changing seasons play a part, as they always do, in the changes to my moods and psyche. I am sure it’s not a coincidence that when the weather begins to get cooler, breezier, and there is a new smell in the air, the smell of dormancy and the promise of colder days to come, that’s the time of year when the Jewish calendar begins again.

Many people feel that winter is the end/beginning of the year. January 1st is hailed worldwide as New Year’s Day… but to me, winter is already a quarter into the New Year. When summer ends, and those hot and sultry days start subtly becoming breezier, and those sticky airless nights become cooler, crisper and sweeter, then you know – the New Year is coming. To me, the return of the sweet, cool, playful air and wind is the renewal and rebirth of the cycle of time. It seems to me that in the stagnant and stolid heat, so much dies. But the Fall brings hope, renewal – and a promise, that at the end of the coming winter, life will be renewed and reaffirmed again. The great part is that the Fall is an honest season. If the wheel of the year symbolizes life in general, then every season represents an aspect of life, which is inevitable, and also, which will eventually pass. Fall is honest in that Winter (which is, let’s say, symbolic of hard times) will come. It is not going to tell you any falsehood about life being a beautiful meadow in the summer all the time. But, the Fall says, Hearken to me – afterwards there are 2 seasons of growth, maturity and fecundity. And so, I am enjoying both the change in weather, and the hopeful message it contains for me.

It is traditional to make New Year’s resolutions. Again, a good way to clear ones’ mind of random thoughts and cobwebs accumulated in the dormancy and sluggishness of summer. This provides, additionally, a great way to create new goals and paths for oneself in the upcoming turn of the year.

I have been maintaining a “Life List” of things I’d like to accomplish before my time on earth is over. I have managed to cross some of these goals and experiences off the list, and that is a tremendous feeling. I have a lot to be thankful for in this past year we are closing up, and much to look forward to in the year ahead.

I’d like to make a list now, condensed from my longer Life List, of things I’d like to accomplish, achieve, or explore this year, in no particular order. Bear in mind that each of these things can be an entire blog all by itself:
1) Motherhood
2) Painting class
3) Cooking class
4) Ballroom dancing
5) Get a raise/feel financially secure
6) Teach
7) Build relationships with my newly acquired family
8) Strengthen my relationship with Chewbacca
9) Find a new creative outlet
10) Direct The Scarlet Pimpernel and The Three Musketeers in community theater
11) Visit Israel
12) Travel (don’t get me started to where!)
13) Hot air ballooning
14) Learn to use my camera for real
15) Work with animals

Some of these things are extremely ambitious, and some are merely buzzwords for a whole concept that exists in my brain about it. It’s too complicated to map out in a small list, but some of these phrases unlock whole new vistas of conversation.

Mostly though, I hope that I, and you, dear reader, have a Happy and Healthy New Year.

Long Overdue

This has been long overdue.

But, as I recently told a friend, I have been either too full of words, too full of emotions, or too low on time to really do justice to all that’s going on. Life is about change; Living is about adjusting to change.

Births, birthdays, epiphanies, breakthroughs in relationships, and some relationships that are more broken… it’s been a very full couple of months. In fact, it looks like I’ve ripped this off from the Soap Opera Digest or something.

But, no. This is actually my life.

*sigh*

So to try and retrace some of the things that have been going on, and that I am willing to commit to “paper” –

The most obvious place to start is my birthday bonanza lovingly planned and executed by my very own Chewbacca.

July 31st – my 32nd Birthday.

For a while in advance of my birthday (at least a month I think), Chewy was planning a surprise party for me, and invited all kinds of friends of mine who I do not see often. Mom was a co-conspirator, and together they made the NICEST and most WONDERFUL party a person has ever had! I knew I was having a party, but the rest was a TOTAL surprise! It was the most interesting collection of people from all different parts of my life cycle. I loved it.

My Chewy was the chef, and barbequed a stack of hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken wings, chicken legs… it was tremendous. Mom made salads, and my mother in law made a HUGE strawberry shortcake cake.

I have never had such a nice time. I was able to (finally) relax and just enjoy myself. Though I almost wrecked the whole thing when I started meddling, Chewy was really terrific about it and I backed off before I really destroyed everything.

BUT….

That’s not all, folks!

Because the next day, we both took off from work and had a whole day of activities planned in the Big City.

Chewy took me to a paint your own pottery place – which I love to do – we did it last year on my birthday too J . Then we went to a HUGE indoor arcade for adults, called Dave and Barry’s. It is chock full of all kinds of games, and gambling a little I think too, and it was so cool. We had a bunch of points to spend so we competed against each other on motorcycle racing (I won) and basketball shooting (He won) and air hockey (He won, but I got in some good shots!)

But wait – there’s more!

We went out to a VERY fancy restaurant for dinner, it was lovely. And it was so great to just have a nice quiet night out, relaxed, we weren’t in a rush to get anywhere. After dinner, we walked uptown and went to see Chris Cornell in concert (He was the front man of Audioslave and Soundgarten) and he is Chewy’s FAVE singer… and that wrapped up the dayJ I can get used to 2 days of celebrations for my birthday…

Stay tuned, Chewy’s birthday is on September 4th and I have a few things up my sleeve, too….

Wheel of Time

A child was born on Thursday. A healthy, 7 lb, 2 oz baby girl. Beautiful, perfectly formed with teeny fingers and even teenier toes. My niece.

Families grow, as do children. As time passes, people mature, learn from mistakes and experiences, become more whole and full. I feel that maturity is not an issue of age, but of experience. If people do not evolve from their experiences into better informed humans, they have stunted their growth. I look around at how many self-help books there are, how many new "issues" and therapies are out there for people to either confront themselves or direct the blame everywhere else for the problems they have. I see how many Dr. Phil types are out there claiming to be able to solve problems or weight, romance, debt, marriages etc., much as medicine men sold moonshine in the Old West to gullible folks with no more than common growing pains, whether they be physical or emotional. And I am completely disgusted with the Fall of Mankind as I witness it.

This child is an innocent. She relies entirely on her parents, as do all children.

What are the methods by which someone can raise a child in this sick, sick world, without her being scarred by television and movies, violence in schools and the pathologies of other parents and children she comes across? How do you give her the tools to get through life even with people who are going to try to hurt her and be cruel - though you try to shelter her as much as possible - so that she can also take care of herself and defend her heart? How do you instill in a child the comfidence and sense of Self to withstand the peer pressure of whatever dangerous thing is "in" at the time - be it drinking, drugs or other forms of teenage sport which tends to kill teenagers? How do you teach tolerance to a child, yet shield her from racism and bigotry at the same time - though those elements also come with the lessons of Diversity? How do you ask a child to respect and take care of nature, when governments and people around the world work determinedly to rape the earth of all her riches, and kill everything that is not Human? How do parents overcome their own fears and anxieties in order to encourage growth in the child, without transferring those fears? How do you create security in a world where cat burglars climb into your window as easily as if it were a playground, and take every precious thing you own?

I do not know the answers. And until I too am a parent, I may not need to know them.

But when I was holding that precious little flame of life in my arms, my heart wished for her that she know no conflict, only joy, love, security and peace.

Wedding Impressions :)

Random Impressions: Today was our Wedding... I never had so much fun.

There was so much love in the room, it is a wonder to me that we didn't blow the roof off the building.

The energy was electric. The dancing was *so* fun (note to the wise - next bridal gown you buy, try jumping around the store a little to see how heavy it is!) ... Chewy looked fantastic...

The pictures are beautiful, and yet, they don't capture the absolute Joy that was there.

..................................................I love my family.

It was beautiful.....

Chewy's best man was staring at me instead of witnessing me signing :) The Rabbi had to tell him to watch me sign or he's useless as a witness!

I loved my wedding.

I felt my grandmother's presence with me. I felt close to God. I loved giving people blessings. I felt like a direct current was being channeled through me.

I loved re-creating the marraige ceremony of Adam and Eve...... I love the sense of continuity I get from connecting with my ultimate mother and father....

I love Chewy :)

Our hotel made me feel like a princess. My dress made me feel like a princess. My husband treats me like a princes...... maybe I really am a princess?!

I feel bad for people who do not feel such soul-altering Love.

I know for a fact, that everyone who was there, WANTED to be there, and was so incredibly happy for us..... I also know for a fact that everyone had a good time, not just me! :)

............ I wish it went on for a few more hours....

I wish people I love who live overseas could have been there..... I know I felt their spirit, thoughts, energy and prayers....

My dearest wish is to be able to post something similar at our 10th anniversary.... and our 50th :)

3 AM

There's actually a decent song with that title. At least, I think that's the title. Chewy would know. He's the musical genius in the family.

I have so many words bundled up in my brain, so many thoughts I need to express, and though this is the forum for it, I find myself unable to articulate the mess of emotions I am in right now. I am troubled by my own behaviour these past few weeks, and though I can come up with perfectly good, logical excuses (e.g. hormones, stress) - all they'd be are excuses. And that, if you'll excuse me, is inexcusable...

(It's good to know I still have a sense of humor under all this turmoil)

... To the point then, since it literally *is* 3:00am. I feel like i am reaching a point in the road where I will have to confront and face down my deepest fears and demons, and only then will I be truly able to move on. Another (lame) excuse would be to say that perhaps that is making me edgy. I am sure that is true - and in the never-ending cycle of my twisted and demented brain, I worry that I will create irreparable damage to my relationship with Chewy because of these irrational and fear-induced behaviours, and that makes me worried and guilt-ridden (Ah! Jewish Guilt! The fodder for many millions in the head-shrinking industry!) which adds to my sleeplessness (Aha! Another valid excuse! Grumpy over-tiredness!) and exacerbates the whole issue.

Also making things worse is my inability to articulate the tumult in my head about the whole thing (see above - re-read the first 2 paragraphs if you're not following) which frustrates him as well because he feels I am shutting him out and not communicating, which in turn frustrates me and makes me feel worse. Hence, the 3 AM posting about the 5 cats in a burlap sack banging around in my brain.

I was hoping that posting this would help open up the dam a little and let some of the tension and emotions out... and truly, a few tears have leaked out as I wrote. Perhaps this signifies some movement in my emotional state and I am not stuck in paralyzed anxiety anymore.

In any case, I am still working on fixing the behaviours, and Chewy is still as wonderfully understanding as ever that, alas, I *am* only human, though sometimes I am a lot messier than others on this rock to deal with. He'd say it was worth it.

Pray it always remains so.

Imagini - My Visual DNA (Gacked from lapisdreams)

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Engineer on Deck 5!!

Chewy and I have been configuring our new apartment.

Ok, that sentence actually makes us sound more productive than we are. Let's try that again.

Chewy and I have managed to dump 80% of my stuff, and 50% of his stuff into our new (smallish) living space, and I've unpacked 3/4 of said 80% of stuff, and the rest are in creatively decorative piles all over the Frelling place.

Our kitchen is less than a galley kitchen, and about the size of your butler's broom closet. It's narrow and has some weird walls popping out of nowhere. The Realtor had asked us if we wanted cabinets or a counter top on one wall, and we opted for the cabinets... so they installed the counter top (really high, too, like almost lower rib height instead of comfortable belly height). After I called the managing agent, she ordered some cabinets, which were finally installed today. Yay!

Yay? No.

I went to go see them, and they are pathetic. Because the countertop was put so high, the cabinets are about 1/2 foot off the ground. And they are so shallow, that we won't be able to put any silverware in them, or store things in the less than 1 foot deep cabinets, which were the cause of so much headache.

Gack! There is not enough storage space for normal things, like pots and pans, in that teeny kitchen, and the fridge - don't get me started. Its like the size of the dorm-room fridge I had. Maybe a few inches taller. But, maybe not.

Anyone seen an engineer? We are gonna need some creative solutions to the space issue - and that's before we even start living in each others' Space!!

Argh!

The Pirate Queen - a girl you'd want to look up to

Chewy and I went to see the Pirate Queen on Broadway.... Actually, until we got to the theater, I wasn't sure WHAT we were going to see. It was a surprise to celebrate our anniversary. It was a great show - kind of intense, but then, so was the subject matter.

Grace O'Malley was known in the 15th century as the Pirate Queen. She nearly bankrupted the British Empire with her sacking of Queen Elizabeth's armada. Finally, in a historic and unprecedented move, the Virgin Queen and the Pirate Queen met face to face to hash out England's annexing of Ireland as a vassal and the terms of that surrender.

It's an exciting and breathtaking piece of history, nearly unheard of in the West, and probably not much talked about in England. But the play started me off on a path to learning more about Grace O'Malley and I have to say, she was really a heroine. Not a Tolkienesque heroine, with faeries and goblins and magicks at hand - but from guts, courage and bravery, she achieved in a Man's world, what no other man was able to do.

I don't feel any connection to her struggles, and to me she's not that kind of a hero. But she was *damn* cool and I loved the play, especially since its based on truth.

Thanks, Chewy!

Mind Melds and other Spockisms

Sometimes I wish I could mind meld. Not often, as I am actually an extremely private person when it comes to my innermost thoughts. But there are times when I am frustrated with trying to communicate some strong feeling or another and I wish I could insert into my opponents brain the full force of my thoughts, feelings and process in one package so that they truly see and feel what I am feeling. Sometimes my thoughts themselves are complicated and so convoluted that if I tried to sort them out and explain them, I too couldn't make logical sense out of them as individual threads. But they make sense to me or are revealed to me as a pattern if I were to look at the complete thought. It feels like an emotional ball of yarn. Outwardly, it has form, but if you look closer, it is a snarled mess of knotted strings. And that is hard to convey.

Right now I am in the grip of some extremely strong balls of yarn, simultaneously banging around in my skull and my heart. (Oddly enough, they somehow have become connected, which is a scientific miracle in and of itself!) Perhaps to balance each other, one is extremely positive, full to bursting is warm, healing, loving, sunshine-y energy. The other is darker, more angry, frustrated and belligerent. Perhaps a little edgy and destructive. A ball of yarn indeed. This one has picked up some barbed wire along the way.

Were I a Vulcan, such passions would undo me. Neither the positive nor the negative set is logical, or can be explained in an empirical, scientific way. Yet they are just as valid, and possess as much Kinetic Energy as any equation in Physics or Mathematics.

Besides, is the path to "living long and prospering" really the method of excising emotion from one's makeup totally? I'd rather go through a tempestuous argument and feel the renewal of love at the end once a compromise is reached. Wouldn't life be so dull if neither end of the spectrum could be experienced?

So I am not a Vulcan. And I do not possess the ability to mind meld. I guess that means that I have to find ways to express these mixed-up and uncomfortable balls of emotion in words or actions - though perhaps the way I express them should also be done delicately. How frustrating.

I see now that sometimes its not that I feel lonely for lack of someone to talk to about these things, its sometimes a lack of ability to talk about these things which stops me.

*sigh*

So now I have posted the issue - but am not one step closer to being able to unravel the snarly feelings I have collecting lint, dust and more strings inside me. And some of these things will just go on until I have found a mechanism to deal with them. Maybe I need to focus on problem solving, instead of articulation. Perhaps I will be more successful...

My Movie Review - a short list

So - its been a while since I have written a movie review... actually, it's been a while since I've seen new movies! Well, kind of.

I am writing about three movies I have seen recently. One is REALLY NEW - the others are out on DVD.

1. 300 - (The official description: In the ancient Battle of Thermopylae, King Leonidas and 300 Spartans fought to the death against Xerxes and his massive Persian army) This is a very new movie. It came out last weekend, and we went to see it Saturday night. I have to admit at the outset that we left in the middle - well, about 40 minutes before the end - just because the violence got to be too much and really, really overdone. All told, I really liked the movie - it was a very interesting piece of art in terms of cinematography, the story is interesting and inspiring (can anyone say "Chanukkah Story"?) and the visual effects were pretty cool. HOWEVER - I highly doubt the king of Sparta (in Greece) had an accent that hailed from the bonny hills of Scotland, but he was pretty hot. As a rule, I don't mind violence and a bit of gore (hello - I'm a CSI freak!) so a random decapitation doesnt really bother me in theory - but to watch it in slow motion, and see blood spatter across the screen for a full 2 1/2 minutes is kind of stomach-turning. I also had an issue with the gratuitous and unneccesary sex scene which was like, "come ON, people, get a room". Once the animals started getting killed, I was kind of over it. Like similar-themed "Troy", an ok movie, not worth the big screen, but somewhat entertaining... Not one I'd see again though.

2. The Prestige - (The official description: Robert and Alfred are rival magicians. When Alfred performs the ultimate magic trick, Robert tries desperately to find out the secret to the trick)I've always liked Hugh Jackman. He is the hottest Wolverine I have ever seen. And I thought this movie was pretty cool in concept - rival magicians, vying for that ultimate trick. Not a bad premise, and I was hoping to see some cool magic tricks, David Blaine style. But it was a HUGE disappointing, boring waste of time movie. It is about revenge. The whole thing. And it's more than a little disturbing how that plays out. I would NOT recommend this at all. I did not enjoy this movie.

3. The Illusionist - (The official description: In turn-of-the-century Vienna, a magician (Ed Norton - who looks terriffic in this movie) uses his abilities to secure the love of a woman far above his social standing) Ok, to start off, that description does NOT do justice to the depth and intricacy of this movie's plot. The storytelling is masterful, well-woven and complex. The lighting and cinematography are brooding, add mystery and texture to the story, and make it more 3 dimensional. I LOVED this movie. It was a great story, nothing gory, gross or offensive. It's about love, wits and magic, with a twist you'd never see coming. I was totally engrossed in this movie, straight up to the end, though I was able to figure the story out. And that didn't at all take away from it, as it was so totally well-done. I recommend this movie Very Highly - to see, to own, and to see again.

There you have it - these are my opinions. If you have seen any of these, please share yours:)

In Love with Chewbacca

** Beware! If you don't like things that are slightly mushy, sentimental or emotive - step away from the blog... just do as I say... step away from the blog... theres nothing to see here! **

Usually, I am not the type of person to hang my private feelings out on the line for all to see (except the occasional venting session, but those aren't the feelings I was referring to.) However, it has been a LONG time since I have updated this journal. Partly from grief, partly from being busy and caught up in Wedding details... but none of that is really an excuse. I'm not even going to attempt to backtrack a month and a half, but I will somewhat sum up by saying - I truly Love Chewbacca.

There. That says it all.

Our one year anniversary was on February 8th. It was grand, we bought steaks (THICK ones!) and Chewy barbequed them, with the secret family recipe marinade, and we invited Mom to join us in a nice candlelight dinner in the Dining Room. It was lovely. Did I mention that the day after the burglary chewy bought me a necklace so that I immediately had something to call my own? (And my sisters also decided to help the cause in replenishing my supply - and creating new memories - and sent a gorgeous necklace from Israel! - but I digress)

Speaking of the burglary - not to knock New York's Finest - but what exactly are they the finest at? Eating a dozen doughnuts in under a minute? Because their detective skills are SORELY lacking! Ok, I am off that soapbox.

We found an apartment, not too close, but not too far. It is absolutely lovely. Tall ceilings, wide windows, wooden floors, facing 2 directions so lots of sunlight.... I really loved it the first time I went in. We signed today actually, for a 2 year lease. So Yay Us!

But other things have been brewing as well, and to put it simply, we had a HUGE ARGUMENT today. I'm not embarrassed to tell you that, whoever is reading this, because the outcome of said argument was that I feel in love all over again with my sweetie. We were on the phone at work back and forth and it was getting pretty ugly.

Finally I left work at 2:30 and we met up to "talk it out" (which I was convinced was a euphemism for "get over yourself or I'm breaking the whole thing off" - yeah it was that bad) . ANYHOOO we met up and instead of perpetuating the ickyness my sweetie sat me down and calmly talked to me about his issues and concerns, which forced me to also respond calmly (I was only partially successful I have to admit in all honesty. He's a better person than me - I take longer to down-shift)

Now I am not going to pretend that I enjoyed this. No sir. But I left with a renewed, reborn feeling of Love because that whole argument and conversation brought us closer and strengthened our commitment to each other. So that was lovely.

** END OF THE MUSHY STUFF - (which wasn't so bad I think) **

Other good news - Chewbacca has accepted a new job! Yay! I am so excited for him - his whole life has been moving upwards in leaps and bounds! He is getting brilliant grades in school and now a new job!

I also have been offered a new job, which is creating major loyalty issues for me (damn my work ethic!) and I finally got the guts up to give notice (one month!) to my current location and they argued with me (lawyers!) and it became harder for me. So that is unresolved, however, I still intend to accept the new position and continue moving onwards as well in my own journey.

I know this summary is rather sparse considering the amount of time I have been silent. I apologize. It is also the first free time I have had since then, and after watching a re-run of CSI, I realized I actually had time to do ME THINGS.... imagine that!

So I came down here to say Hey. I'll try to be more communicative....

:)

Redistribution of Wealth

There is a theory of International Relations in which an infrastructure is “shaken down” and there is a complete redistribution of wealth, resources and power. An example of this would be a coup d’etat or some form of Revolutionary activity. (Forgive me for dusting off my Masters Degree and using it for a moment!)

While I am in theory very appreciative of the idea of redistributing the world’s wealth, Robin Hood style, and am just as frustrated as the next person by the gross chasm separating the “classes” in this country, upon my firsthand experience with the practical applications of this theory, I find myself revising my opinion.

Saturday night I was totally and completely robbed, burgled, thieved, taken advantage of and violated. I was in the house, watching a movie, and someone entered my room on the second floor via my window, made free with all my electronics, purses, wallet, and my jewelry. All of it. All of the bracelets, necklaces, rings and earrings that I inherited or received as gifts from my dead grandmothers. All of the things that had been dragged across the ocean, twice, on my own back. That escaped with me when I liberated myself from my Hellish situation. Who were dear friends to me, comforting presences in a life that has been somewhat nomadic. I liked my stuff. Each thing meant something to me, more than the sentimentalism attached to who it came from. Whether it was how they made me feel, or what time in my life I received them, each piece represented to me something about myself.

It is entirely wigging me out that someone was freely making his way through my room as I was downstairs, watching a movie and relaxing….feeling safe (moron that I was). And it is creepy to think that when I heard a creak, I walked around the first floor to see if anything was amiss – and that had I ventured upstairs to my room – well, I could be posting this from the afterlife. I feel disgusting – he watched us, made sure we were engrossed in the movie, closed my door to give himself time and minimize the noise. I feel dirty, exposed, vulnerable.

And I also lost that safe haven, that little bubble I had created for myself of my own – my nesting area where I shut out the world and was in my own Sacred Space.

Desecrated. Violated. Gone.

I am no longer comfortable in my room, in the house. I feel the energies have shifted, its funky, dirty, strange. It feels cold to me.

I am complately depressed. Not only about the loss of meaningful items, but also about the loss of security and safety I had. I feel adrift again and rootless. Back to tumbleweed mode. My privacy has been violated; my innermost sanctum has been breached. I am not so materialistic as to mourn the loss of Jewelry – merely the meaning attached to them and the indignation that with all I have thus far been through – these are MINE.

I hate being a victim. I hate feeling like a victim. And I am just so, so depressed.

Capturing the Magic

Ever have one of those days when all you want to do is get into your pajamas and hang out in bed, under your feather quilt, with some tea or cocoa and a movie or a book? That was last night for me.

It was cold, well, not even seasonably cold, but colder than it has been and that was enough to be too cold for me (who, it turns out, is apparently a weather snob). My day had been long - starting with a workout at 7:15am, running home to shower and change, then back to work (the gym is literally next door), then a long day at work, then run to mom’s daycare for a Chanukkah party, then dinner with mom.

I had been out of the house over 12 hours, and I was tired, brain dead and cold. All I wanted was a shower, pajamas and bed.

The house was dark, except the lights from our Chanukiot in the window. When I walked in, I smelled something sweet, perfumy in the air and couldn’t believe my eyes.

The staircase was covered in Rose petals. Red, pink. Pink, red. A riot of Love and Color. And alternating right and left, there was a candle on each step, lit, aromatic, and leading me to the darkened second floor, where I knew Chewbacca was waiting.

I whispered to my mom, "Are those for me?" She whispered "Well, they’re not for me!". So I whispered, "I’m going upstairs now" and she replied "That’s a good idea."

Carefully, I walked upstairs, anticipating, excited, in a daze, and nervous. All was dark. I went into my room and stopped dead in my tracks.

Chewy had strewn rose petals all over my floor. And on top of those fragrant petals was a heart made from candles, flanked on three sides by bouquets of flowers, and propped up behind was the words to our song (This Kind of Love by Sister Hazel) on a beautiful poster.

Then Chewy stepped out of the shadows. He looked fantastic. He was wearing a dark suit, French Cuffed shirt and he was stylin’! And I had missed him because he had been so distracted the past few days, it had created distance between us and I missed our closeness. I reached for him and said "Hi". He said, "Shhh, I’m on a schedule" then said, "Ok, you can say hi, that’s ok, Hi".

Then Chewbacca read me a poem he wrote about why he loves me, and got down on his knee for the last 4 lines, opened up a box which held a necklace and matching bracelet (the ring is on order) and asked me to marry him.

(I said Yes in case you were wondering)

The rest of the night is like a blur. People started coming over, family members and close friends. It is traditional to make a toast to the new couple on the night they become engaged to add a positive energy/karma to their union. The house was humming with the amount of people who came. There was so much joy and love and affection pouring out from everyone, people were so genuinely pleased for us, it was humbling, awe inspiring and precious. We frantically made phone calls to family and friends who were too far away to join us (though it seemed to me that EVERYONE knew already, as they had been clued in prior to the event. Everyone knew except me!)

The proposal was not only romantic, well thought out, well executed and ....well, perfect. It was exactly what I wanted. I am skittish about surprises and really don’t like public displays. This was private, between us, shared by no one in the moment, and something that we can treasure with each other forever.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I didn’t get to put on my pajamas until the wee hours of the morning......but I’m not complaining.

Festival of Lights (including microwaves and infrared)

I believe Chanukkah is my favorite holiday. There are others I love, but this one has always been special to me. I love watching the flames (ok, slight residual pyromania from my childhood there) and the warmth of the glow from family, loved ones and the soft light of candles burning in the window. I love driving past houses with their chanukiot lit up and feeling connected to those strangers in a visceral, history-sharing way.

I always feel less lonely on this holiday - though my years in Tennessee were difficult because I was the lone Jew lighting my pitifully small candles in a desert of humanity. The light of my menorah made nary a dent in the darkness around me. (Besides, it had to compete with the crystal meth lab down the block and they had some spectacular flares).

Chanukkah for me is a time to reconnect or seek depth in relationships with loved ones. Whether they are far away, or generally out of touch, I always feel a deepening of my love and affection for those in my life, and though I dont always reach out and make those connections again, I *do* feel them and reinforce that emotion within. Sometimes I am blessed with the ability or opportunity to express my joy and appreciation to those that I love and I try to do so when I can.

So, from my heart to yours, with lots of Love and affection- Happy Chanukkah.

G.L.O.F

If I were to be very honest with myself, I would say that for the most part, I like to control my life. I like to be able to decide for myself what I will do, where I will go, what my goals are. And though there are many negative associations with the word "control", I mean it in a positive, independent and empowered way. I like to know things. I like to be clued in. I don’t like surprises, where I can’t prepare myself for what is ahead. It’s a control thing. But it is entirely aimed at myself.
Sometimes, though, you have to take Giant Leaps of Faith. And those are tremendously scary for a person like me who is perhaps overly cerebral. Ok, not perhaps. I *am* extremely cerebral.
I like to think that I am able to make those GLOFs when they appear, not being overwhelmed with my own sense of Destiny or Ego to acknowledge the opportunity they present to move forward in time on my path, to make a small quantum jump onto a higher plane.
I have just made such a GLOF and my usual radars are spinning off the charts trying to adjust to the new heading. Once the bearings settle down, I am positive all indications will be positive, moving towards fulfillment, peace and wholeness.
And though I also can see the shoals, the rocky seas and the bad weather that crops up, I am confident that I have plotted a course towards ultimate happiness.
May God keep the helm steady and on course, and may He always be the compass by which I guide this vessel.

Chewy's Movie Review #4 - Casino Royale

Casino Royale (2006)
It's always tricky trying to revitalize a franchise. Especially one as popular as Bond. You have to give the filmmakers credit. They take a virtual unknown in Daniel Craig and they rebuild the Bond franchise around him (I for one was never a fan of Pierce Brosnan as James Bond and was very happy to see him go). Craig is the most exciting Bond since Sean Connery. I was totally digging his character. I like this edgier Bond much more. Pierce always seemed as if he could use his obnoxious smug look on his face to get him out of anything. Well - bye bye Brosnan, Hello the New Bond! The film however was good but not great. The movie was exciting and funny at times and dragged out at others. It should have been shortened by about a half hour or so and some of the plot was sketchy. It was all in all a fun ride though and one that I would recommend.

Adventures in Indiana

Guys - if you didnt know me, you wouldnt believe the story I am about to tell you. But i swear to you, this is totally true. And it happened to me last weekend.

Thanksgiving was great, I made the feast with a few twists, and it was really lovely. 2 things you need to know: 1) last weekend was the Bar Mitzvah of my cousin in Indianapolis so 90 of us descended on that poor town for the festivities. 2) on Monday I found a weird, painful lump on my rear right thigh...an inconvenient location for such ativities as walking, standing, sitting, laying down... you know. It was about the size of a bee bite, and stingy painful so i put on some anti-itch stuff and went about my business.

By Wednesday, my parasite was larger, more painful and i finally went to the Dr (while my soup and cornbread were up) and got some antibiotics, apparently it was an abscess - like a boil (biblical times come alive!) which is caused by a skin infection. Okeledokele.

Friday morning at 3:00am we get up to go fly to Indy, after all the triptophen we ate, its amazing we were even awake. We flew to Detroit where our connection was promptly cancelled and we were stranded in Detroit airport, panicking about renting cars and driving (5 hour trip) or waiting for the next flight (3 hour wait) and hoping that one can get off the ground. After all that drama, we waited and were able to leave Detroit (not a fun airport) and got to Indy at about 2pm. I took a shower at 3:30 and noticed that my alien being residing in my thigh was about golf ball size, just as hard, painful to the touch and radiating redness about the size of a softball all over my thigh.

off to the ER we went. Not a typical ER, mind you, a down home, Indiana style Chop-Shop ER, where people come when their tractors ran over their toes. And after 3 hours waiting in the waiting room, and additional hour in the exam room waiting for the doctor, where to pass the time we sang "Kumbaya My Lord" and other meaningful songs, I was given 10 shots of novicaine in my thigh and he cut open the abscess, drained the blood and pus, and scraped my skin of the hives the bacteria had formed underneath (Note: this paragraph is not for the faint of heart - well, its too late i suppose) By the way, I FELT IT ALL and it was EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL. You see, when the bacteria infects your body, it raises the level of acidity in your system. Novicaine is effective when your PH is balanced or slightly basic, ergo i was in DEEP DOO DOO.

Guys - i know its funny. Really, this story is unbelievable and i wouldnt believe it myself if it wasnt me that it happened to. But it was painful and traumatic and i was shaking with reaction and pain the rest of the weekend. shaking, tembling, my bones were knocking together so hard i was sure you could hear it if you stood close enough to me.

at 4:00am sunday we flew back to NY (Thank you Expedia for the stellar travel arrangements!) and i went to my dr who referred me to a surgeon who has been monitoring me all week because the incision is STILL OPEN and DRAINING ICKY BACTERIAL PUS. sounds exciting, no? they cant stitch it up till its out, because otherwise it will make a new mound. So..... I was out of work till today (depression that i had to go back at all *sigh*) and I am still sleeping on my stomach. Sitting has gotten a little less uncomfortable.

I am allowed to shower now too (hallelujah!). Yesterday was my first shower since Friday and maaaaaaaaan! was that orgasmic! now i have to shower 2x a day to let the stuff run out of the open wound. I'm gonna nominate this surgeon for some hygenic award or another when i get around to it:)

anyways, thats why I've been out of touch. And see, i sat long enough to write this, so that must mean i am on the mend. :)

My Fair Lady - a head-scratching ending

I have seen this movie a few times in my life. Safely, I would say 5 or 6 times. And not recently. Since I was home sick, I put it on to watch, as I love Audrey Hepburn, who I think is the most beautiful woman who ever lived, and the outfits are outrageously artistic.

I understand the story is based on the myth of Pygmalion and Galatea, and the screenplay is based on the play "Pygmalion" but I am still totally baffled by the ending. And though I thought that as an older, wiser person who has experienced Love, perhaps I'd understand better the whole last part after the ball where she moves out (to where, one wonders) and she confronts him in the garden at his mothers house, then shows up at his house and he asks her for his slippers.

I'm sorry, WHAT?! You lost me on the sharp, right turn out there. So if you happen to know what I mean, please respond and explain to me how that ending makes any sense at all. In my experience with human relationships, that doesn't make a stitch of sense to me.

Chewy's Movie Review #3 - Deja Vu

Comment: Another weird ending!
Mood: Stale
Rating: 6/10

I saw the movie Deja Vu this Saturday night. Wow. I'm on some kind of roll here. This is the third movie in a row that I have qualms about the ending of the movie. I hope I get off of this unlucky streak soon.

This movie is ok. As usual, director Tony Scott has his unique style of shooting the film "at work" which I really enjoy. There are certain parts of the story which are cool like the police having a survellience system set up that they can go 4 days in the past and recreate everything that's going on in a 180 degree radius of a particular area. Which means that they can see everything that goes on and hear everything in that entire area (don't forget people that this is a sci-fi movie). I mean think about how many more crimes would be solved if the police actually had this kind of technology! It's just that some parts of the movie are real filler and others (including the ending) make absolutely no sense. I also would have liked Jim caviezel's character to have been a little more than your typical Class A psycho. Denzel is fun to watch as usual but his charisma alone unfortunately cannot save this movie from being more than just ok.

Chewy's Movie Review #2 - Happy Feet

Comment: Coulda Been Truly Great
MOOD: Grumpy
Rating: 7/10


Happy Feet (2006) This is a hard one to review. For most of the movie I truly thought this was going to be one of the greatest animated films I had ever seen. The characters really appealed to me, it was very funny, the animation is probably the best I have EVER seen!!! But the end was a mess. I understand that the filmakers were trying to convey an important message but the way that it was delivered really hurt the film. I felt like I had jumped from one movie to an entirely different one and I didn't like the second film much at all. Also the music wasn't very good (a few of the songs were not appropiate for an animated movie at all!). Listen up filmakers: Take the seriousness down a few notches next time!All in all this was a good movie however and I would recommend seeing it in the theaters for the CGI alone. If that dosen't mean much to you then wait for video.