3 AM

There's actually a decent song with that title. At least, I think that's the title. Chewy would know. He's the musical genius in the family.

I have so many words bundled up in my brain, so many thoughts I need to express, and though this is the forum for it, I find myself unable to articulate the mess of emotions I am in right now. I am troubled by my own behaviour these past few weeks, and though I can come up with perfectly good, logical excuses (e.g. hormones, stress) - all they'd be are excuses. And that, if you'll excuse me, is inexcusable...

(It's good to know I still have a sense of humor under all this turmoil)

... To the point then, since it literally *is* 3:00am. I feel like i am reaching a point in the road where I will have to confront and face down my deepest fears and demons, and only then will I be truly able to move on. Another (lame) excuse would be to say that perhaps that is making me edgy. I am sure that is true - and in the never-ending cycle of my twisted and demented brain, I worry that I will create irreparable damage to my relationship with Chewy because of these irrational and fear-induced behaviours, and that makes me worried and guilt-ridden (Ah! Jewish Guilt! The fodder for many millions in the head-shrinking industry!) which adds to my sleeplessness (Aha! Another valid excuse! Grumpy over-tiredness!) and exacerbates the whole issue.

Also making things worse is my inability to articulate the tumult in my head about the whole thing (see above - re-read the first 2 paragraphs if you're not following) which frustrates him as well because he feels I am shutting him out and not communicating, which in turn frustrates me and makes me feel worse. Hence, the 3 AM posting about the 5 cats in a burlap sack banging around in my brain.

I was hoping that posting this would help open up the dam a little and let some of the tension and emotions out... and truly, a few tears have leaked out as I wrote. Perhaps this signifies some movement in my emotional state and I am not stuck in paralyzed anxiety anymore.

In any case, I am still working on fixing the behaviours, and Chewy is still as wonderfully understanding as ever that, alas, I *am* only human, though sometimes I am a lot messier than others on this rock to deal with. He'd say it was worth it.

Pray it always remains so.