Those we love are somehow handed the very weapons that would be most destructive to us. And the most amazing thing is that we are the ones handing over those weapons. In that first flush of love and rightness in the world, we want to share everything, entwine our souls with that other person, and open those rusty hinged doors to our fears and deepest thoughts.
But when the weather changes, the storm clouds move in and those deep thoughts, fears and secrets are then cast about for all the world to see, for you to confront head-on, ready or not - because the tempest that has been hurtling them at you possesses the arsenal you provided of the most hurtful ammunition around.
And even when the storm has passed, the damage still remains. Trees are uprooted, lines of communication are damaged or sparking, and everyone is walking around gingerly, waiting to see if there will be some kind of aftershock explosion.
I guess sometimes there isn’t one and there’s a strange eerie kind of deafening silence until everyone relaxes again. I wonder how people who live in war zones deal with constant tension, waiting for the explosions to begin again.
But once the storms are passed, often flowers grow as if they were waiting to burst from the ground but something had held them back, and the sheer force of the storm dissolved those imaginary boundaries. Perhaps a little violence catalyzes necessary growth. And a little outburst, argument or clash can perhaps create stronger bonds or closer knit ties in relationships.
Though somehow, I still have a suspicion that the scars lay underneath the verdant green carpet of grass..... and deep in the hearts of the people we hurt.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Land of Silicone, Kingdom of Plastic
I am back from the Land of Silicone. In case you aren’t familiar with that place, its where reality consists of being made out of more plastic parts then your neighbors, driving flashier cars than your friends and in general trying to look like a tanned, too-skinny movie star. California is a pretty state, with a very fascinating history - but LA is a blight upon the landmass on the west coast.
I didn’t do too much touristy things, I was there with my sister to visit my declining and ailing grandfather, with her two boys, aged 3 1/2 and 10 months. Needless to say, the older one ran us ragged all day and the younger one woke us up about 2 times a night.
Add to the mix that we left Monday at 4pm New York time, and came back Thursday morning arriving at 12:30am. Yeah, I’m tired.
The weather was wonderful, sunny but a little breezy, and the evenings were kind of cool - not muggy and heavy. The air was sweet and sometimes had a faint ocean-y smell. (Only in the evenings though, in the Land of Silicone, there is a smoggy haze over the city each morning obscuring the sun till about 9:30am when it burns off.... who says there’s no such thing as global warming?!)
We did manage to go to the LA Zoo (it’s terrible, I wouldn’t recommend it) and the Santa Monica Pier - though we walked on the bluff overlooking the pier and didn’t go on the rides and stuff. We never went to the beach, but we managed to watch the ocean. Personally, I like the Pacific better than the Atlantic.
We spent some great time with Grandpa Tuesday and Wednesday but on Thursday already he was sunk back into his lethargy, falling asleep even when outside playing with the children.
Here’s the lowdown on Gramps: Grandma Rose died in February. She and Grandpa David were very co-dependant and her loss has understandably made him very depressed. Add to this that David’s greatest pride in life was his intellect, and his scholarly achievements. He is fluent in 7 languages, has done research all over Eastern Europe and parts of Asia, published numerous articles and co-authored books on Jewish Genealogy, specializing in Rabbinic Dynasties, traced my family tree back 44 generations (a feat considering that all of his and Rose’s families were destroyed in the Holocaust of World War II) and proved that my family is linked to King David’s dynasty (yes, THAT King David - the Biblical one). But his mind is deteriorating and he has lost short-term memory. But he KNOWS that he is losing his mental facilities and that fills him with a great sense of loss. So he has given up living. He was engaged with us the first two days, watching the kids play, holding the baby, smiling, telling us it was “fun” to see the boys. (That’s a word I didn’t know was in his lexicon) But then we were unable to keep him awake and aware on Thursday.
I spoke with his social worker who said that the only way to pull him out of the decline he is in, is to have more family come to visit. Our family on that side is NOT very family oriented, and Grandpa has burned bridges with at least 2 of his grandsons, so they aren’t gonna make the effort. Plus, all his family live on the East Coast or overseas. So it’s easier said than done. He is on the decline though and my personal feeling is that its time to make peace, he won’t be with us much longer.
I am glad we went, though the change in him is drastic from July 2005 when I saw him last. It was startling too to see what my own father will look like as he ages. My sister pointed out to me that Dad looks a lot like Grandpa and we were looking at the future. Deep thoughts....
So, though Cali is nice, I’d skip LA next time and go to San Fran, San Diego and Napa.... and bypass the Land of Silicone altogether. I think a drive to Las Vegas would probably be cool too.
It’s hard to see time pass s abruptly. I didn’t expect him to be SO out of it. I was expecting the confusion about dates and times, but in his eyes I saw pain, fear and loss. And that was hard to see. Especially for a person like me who has inherited his love for books, learning and the intellectual pursuits.
I don’t know what *I* would do if I lost my ability to think, or my will to read.
I didn’t do too much touristy things, I was there with my sister to visit my declining and ailing grandfather, with her two boys, aged 3 1/2 and 10 months. Needless to say, the older one ran us ragged all day and the younger one woke us up about 2 times a night.
Add to the mix that we left Monday at 4pm New York time, and came back Thursday morning arriving at 12:30am. Yeah, I’m tired.
The weather was wonderful, sunny but a little breezy, and the evenings were kind of cool - not muggy and heavy. The air was sweet and sometimes had a faint ocean-y smell. (Only in the evenings though, in the Land of Silicone, there is a smoggy haze over the city each morning obscuring the sun till about 9:30am when it burns off.... who says there’s no such thing as global warming?!)
We did manage to go to the LA Zoo (it’s terrible, I wouldn’t recommend it) and the Santa Monica Pier - though we walked on the bluff overlooking the pier and didn’t go on the rides and stuff. We never went to the beach, but we managed to watch the ocean. Personally, I like the Pacific better than the Atlantic.
We spent some great time with Grandpa Tuesday and Wednesday but on Thursday already he was sunk back into his lethargy, falling asleep even when outside playing with the children.
Here’s the lowdown on Gramps: Grandma Rose died in February. She and Grandpa David were very co-dependant and her loss has understandably made him very depressed. Add to this that David’s greatest pride in life was his intellect, and his scholarly achievements. He is fluent in 7 languages, has done research all over Eastern Europe and parts of Asia, published numerous articles and co-authored books on Jewish Genealogy, specializing in Rabbinic Dynasties, traced my family tree back 44 generations (a feat considering that all of his and Rose’s families were destroyed in the Holocaust of World War II) and proved that my family is linked to King David’s dynasty (yes, THAT King David - the Biblical one). But his mind is deteriorating and he has lost short-term memory. But he KNOWS that he is losing his mental facilities and that fills him with a great sense of loss. So he has given up living. He was engaged with us the first two days, watching the kids play, holding the baby, smiling, telling us it was “fun” to see the boys. (That’s a word I didn’t know was in his lexicon) But then we were unable to keep him awake and aware on Thursday.
I spoke with his social worker who said that the only way to pull him out of the decline he is in, is to have more family come to visit. Our family on that side is NOT very family oriented, and Grandpa has burned bridges with at least 2 of his grandsons, so they aren’t gonna make the effort. Plus, all his family live on the East Coast or overseas. So it’s easier said than done. He is on the decline though and my personal feeling is that its time to make peace, he won’t be with us much longer.
I am glad we went, though the change in him is drastic from July 2005 when I saw him last. It was startling too to see what my own father will look like as he ages. My sister pointed out to me that Dad looks a lot like Grandpa and we were looking at the future. Deep thoughts....
So, though Cali is nice, I’d skip LA next time and go to San Fran, San Diego and Napa.... and bypass the Land of Silicone altogether. I think a drive to Las Vegas would probably be cool too.
It’s hard to see time pass s abruptly. I didn’t expect him to be SO out of it. I was expecting the confusion about dates and times, but in his eyes I saw pain, fear and loss. And that was hard to see. Especially for a person like me who has inherited his love for books, learning and the intellectual pursuits.
I don’t know what *I* would do if I lost my ability to think, or my will to read.
Friday, August 11, 2006
All About Wicked - NO SPOILERS
Last night was Tremendous, and Powerful and Magickal and..... just... Wicked.
The show was good too.
HA! Actually the show was AWESOME - the music, sets, everything. The dialog was often funny, with hidden double meanings for those who are familiar with the "Wizard of Oz" - and lets face it, who isnt? Except maybe Bin Ladin... and who cares about him?!
The night was stormy and tempestuous and we had to struggle to get to the theater, but the driving rain and lightening were exhilarating and the excitement of the show I have wanted to see FOREVER was making the whole night tremendously electric.
And who knows more about electric than Times Square? Even in torrential rain. It was magnificent.
I'm gonna go again. I have to. I recommend that everyone in the world go at least once...please? You'll thank me for it!
The show was good too.
HA! Actually the show was AWESOME - the music, sets, everything. The dialog was often funny, with hidden double meanings for those who are familiar with the "Wizard of Oz" - and lets face it, who isnt? Except maybe Bin Ladin... and who cares about him?!
The night was stormy and tempestuous and we had to struggle to get to the theater, but the driving rain and lightening were exhilarating and the excitement of the show I have wanted to see FOREVER was making the whole night tremendously electric.
And who knows more about electric than Times Square? Even in torrential rain. It was magnificent.
I'm gonna go again. I have to. I recommend that everyone in the world go at least once...please? You'll thank me for it!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
WICKEDNESS!!!!! *grin*
Tonight I am going to see Wicked - I am SO EXCITED!! I can't wait for this day to be over so I can go into the city to see WICKED! What a WICKED time I will have! HAHAHAHA!
Ok - I have been offline for a few weeks - things have been hectic and confusing. So let me do the best I can to catch you up.
1. Golden Birthday Project was WONDERFUL! Thank you all for your participation! All in all, I received 62 postcards from all over the USA, the caribbean, italy, england, israel, china, australia - so far. I dont have the literal breakdown of states, but the South was well-represented!
2. I am NOT - repeat, NOT going to Law School. I declined their invitation. I know I told you that briefly on July 28th - but I didnt have a chance to explain it. Basically it came down to timing and money. I dont want to spend 4 years in school, then another 4 years trying to pay off the loans (about $150k) - I want to get back to my country, and the restlessness is growing. So I am now on a 2 year plan. I want back in the Middle East in 2 years, and my academics will have to fit into that timeline. (ok, i can stretch it by 6 months, but thats it!)
Working in a Law Firm, I am of course getting lots of disappointment and flak for my decision, though I know deep in the silences of my heart that it is correct, its a little wearying to face the questions and cajoling all the time. I know I'd have been good, that was not my worry, as i said, its all about timing and money.
3. The escalation in Israel is making me very restless and anxious. Being a warrior and watching a war from 6000 miles away is trying. Even though I know theres nothing I could do if i were there, my soul is itching to breathe the air, smell the sweetness of the land, and join my brothers and sisters in these trying times. i am having a hard time with the restlessness, its affecting my sleep and my general overall mood.
Ok - I have been offline for a few weeks - things have been hectic and confusing. So let me do the best I can to catch you up.
1. Golden Birthday Project was WONDERFUL! Thank you all for your participation! All in all, I received 62 postcards from all over the USA, the caribbean, italy, england, israel, china, australia - so far. I dont have the literal breakdown of states, but the South was well-represented!
2. I am NOT - repeat, NOT going to Law School. I declined their invitation. I know I told you that briefly on July 28th - but I didnt have a chance to explain it. Basically it came down to timing and money. I dont want to spend 4 years in school, then another 4 years trying to pay off the loans (about $150k) - I want to get back to my country, and the restlessness is growing. So I am now on a 2 year plan. I want back in the Middle East in 2 years, and my academics will have to fit into that timeline. (ok, i can stretch it by 6 months, but thats it!)
Working in a Law Firm, I am of course getting lots of disappointment and flak for my decision, though I know deep in the silences of my heart that it is correct, its a little wearying to face the questions and cajoling all the time. I know I'd have been good, that was not my worry, as i said, its all about timing and money.
3. The escalation in Israel is making me very restless and anxious. Being a warrior and watching a war from 6000 miles away is trying. Even though I know theres nothing I could do if i were there, my soul is itching to breathe the air, smell the sweetness of the land, and join my brothers and sisters in these trying times. i am having a hard time with the restlessness, its affecting my sleep and my general overall mood.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)