Losing those we love

I am walking around my aunts house and i cant help but notice all the little items and design elements that are unmistakably from my Grandmother.

She died two years ago, and her death resulted in a bitter rivalry between the siblings for her Stuff. I was removed from the actual events by about 1000 miles, and so I was not witness to the backstabbing, snarky, savage, greedy and selfish behaviours exhibited by her children and my grandfather. I was, however, kept abreast of the whole drama and have since then lost a healthy amount of respect for the players.

Not that people arent allowed to grieve their loss, or try to maintain a closeness by surrounding themselves with items that reming them of their loved one. I understand the emotions and feelings driving the behaviours, but I cant respect the way the whole thing was handled.

Looking at my grandmother's stuff creates a sense of nostalgia for me, but its weird because these items are out of context, out of place, they dont belong in *this* location, so it loses some of its potency. The pictures are more meaningful to me then the assorted knick-nacks and pieces of furniture. Seeing the pictures of my grandmother smiling with members of my aunts family make me wistful. We hardly appreciate people when they are around until we are forced to endure their absence. And though there arent many pictures of her and myself (though truth be told, i think there are none at all), i still feel a sense of closeness and specialness in our relationship. The picture proves nothing to me. Perhaps we never took photos becuase we were so close, we never needed to create a souvenir of the time we spent together.

I truly and deeply loved her. And I think about her often. I feel her presence very strongly in my life and I know she watches out for me, especially when I am going against the grain in The Family.

I did not receive anything from her Estate, though younger cousins have, and though sometimes I get a small teinge of annoyance about that, it passes fairly quickly, because I have enduring memories and a close, loving relationship to remember, and no amount of bric-a-brac would ever create such a bond.

I *do* miss her. And I felt pain for her to see how her family treated each other over her stuff after her passing. With both grandmothers gone, I feel an emptiness in my life that no amount of Stuff would ever fill.