There's actually a decent song with that title. At least, I think that's the title. Chewy would know. He's the musical genius in the family.
I have so many words bundled up in my brain, so many thoughts I need to express, and though this is the forum for it, I find myself unable to articulate the mess of emotions I am in right now. I am troubled by my own behaviour these past few weeks, and though I can come up with perfectly good, logical excuses (e.g. hormones, stress) - all they'd be are excuses. And that, if you'll excuse me, is inexcusable...
(It's good to know I still have a sense of humor under all this turmoil)
... To the point then, since it literally *is* 3:00am. I feel like i am reaching a point in the road where I will have to confront and face down my deepest fears and demons, and only then will I be truly able to move on. Another (lame) excuse would be to say that perhaps that is making me edgy. I am sure that is true - and in the never-ending cycle of my twisted and demented brain, I worry that I will create irreparable damage to my relationship with Chewy because of these irrational and fear-induced behaviours, and that makes me worried and guilt-ridden (Ah! Jewish Guilt! The fodder for many millions in the head-shrinking industry!) which adds to my sleeplessness (Aha! Another valid excuse! Grumpy over-tiredness!) and exacerbates the whole issue.
Also making things worse is my inability to articulate the tumult in my head about the whole thing (see above - re-read the first 2 paragraphs if you're not following) which frustrates him as well because he feels I am shutting him out and not communicating, which in turn frustrates me and makes me feel worse. Hence, the 3 AM posting about the 5 cats in a burlap sack banging around in my brain.
I was hoping that posting this would help open up the dam a little and let some of the tension and emotions out... and truly, a few tears have leaked out as I wrote. Perhaps this signifies some movement in my emotional state and I am not stuck in paralyzed anxiety anymore.
In any case, I am still working on fixing the behaviours, and Chewy is still as wonderfully understanding as ever that, alas, I *am* only human, though sometimes I am a lot messier than others on this rock to deal with. He'd say it was worth it.
Pray it always remains so.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
Engineer on Deck 5!!
Chewy and I have been configuring our new apartment.
Ok, that sentence actually makes us sound more productive than we are. Let's try that again.
Chewy and I have managed to dump 80% of my stuff, and 50% of his stuff into our new (smallish) living space, and I've unpacked 3/4 of said 80% of stuff, and the rest are in creatively decorative piles all over the Frelling place.
Our kitchen is less than a galley kitchen, and about the size of your butler's broom closet. It's narrow and has some weird walls popping out of nowhere. The Realtor had asked us if we wanted cabinets or a counter top on one wall, and we opted for the cabinets... so they installed the counter top (really high, too, like almost lower rib height instead of comfortable belly height). After I called the managing agent, she ordered some cabinets, which were finally installed today. Yay!
Yay? No.
I went to go see them, and they are pathetic. Because the countertop was put so high, the cabinets are about 1/2 foot off the ground. And they are so shallow, that we won't be able to put any silverware in them, or store things in the less than 1 foot deep cabinets, which were the cause of so much headache.
Gack! There is not enough storage space for normal things, like pots and pans, in that teeny kitchen, and the fridge - don't get me started. Its like the size of the dorm-room fridge I had. Maybe a few inches taller. But, maybe not.
Anyone seen an engineer? We are gonna need some creative solutions to the space issue - and that's before we even start living in each others' Space!!
Argh!
Ok, that sentence actually makes us sound more productive than we are. Let's try that again.
Chewy and I have managed to dump 80% of my stuff, and 50% of his stuff into our new (smallish) living space, and I've unpacked 3/4 of said 80% of stuff, and the rest are in creatively decorative piles all over the Frelling place.
Our kitchen is less than a galley kitchen, and about the size of your butler's broom closet. It's narrow and has some weird walls popping out of nowhere. The Realtor had asked us if we wanted cabinets or a counter top on one wall, and we opted for the cabinets... so they installed the counter top (really high, too, like almost lower rib height instead of comfortable belly height). After I called the managing agent, she ordered some cabinets, which were finally installed today. Yay!
Yay? No.
I went to go see them, and they are pathetic. Because the countertop was put so high, the cabinets are about 1/2 foot off the ground. And they are so shallow, that we won't be able to put any silverware in them, or store things in the less than 1 foot deep cabinets, which were the cause of so much headache.
Gack! There is not enough storage space for normal things, like pots and pans, in that teeny kitchen, and the fridge - don't get me started. Its like the size of the dorm-room fridge I had. Maybe a few inches taller. But, maybe not.
Anyone seen an engineer? We are gonna need some creative solutions to the space issue - and that's before we even start living in each others' Space!!
Argh!
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