Crumbling Bits of the Past

I was forced tonight to really take a look at the road on which my life's journey is traveling. When I look back, I was shaken to discover that the path I have already trodden is crumbling and littered with cracks and missing chunks of pavement.

If I were to be honest with myself, I would admit that I need a really stark reminder that you can't go back in life, you have to keep moving forward. How many times have I been tempted by memories of what I used to have, or where I used to live, and yearn to go back to that time? How much does my heart ache to have back my life in Israel or Nashville, with certain changes? I guess the crumbling of the sidewalk is a good thing, or I would be tempted to try to go back.

But the people I knew in those places in Time are gone. The country, city, politics, society have all changed. The dynamics are different, and not necessarily navigable anymore. *I* have changed, too. Even worse, the memories I have picked up from those chapters of my life were linked to physical items, like a quilt, each panel symbolizing another experience. And all those physical mementos are gone, too. So what sum of my experience remains? How am I to prove to myself that I did indeed do that, live there, go through this? Memory becomes cloudy as time goes on, and I need to touch, feel, be reminded of those times and relationships. But that link is gone. Crumbled. Eroded. Washed away.

So now I look forward and what do I see? That *is* the question, isn't it? Nothing that I feel excited about. Nothing that looks like a path I'd be interested in exploring. No vibrant colors, people, places. Just a grayish mist, opaque. Perhaps we make our paths by creating opportunities for choice. Maybe I have not fully explored all my options and opened up new pathways for myself. Maybe it's just overcast right now, and once the sun comes out, things will take on more color. I hope that the future holds for me paths to follow that are ribbons of color.

I'm waiting for the sun.

Did I tell you I was pregnant?

So - yeah. We gave birth on April 4, 2009 at 11:37pm. I wonder if that is the correct term considering it was a last minute C-section, after being in contractions for 30 hours and not going anywhere.

Anyways, our daughter is a gorgeous little angel, 6 lbs and 10 oz. I know all you parents out there think, no, KNOW, your kids are gorgeous, and I am not arguing with your taste - but I have it on really good authority, besides my own and Chewbacca's, that she is beautiful, gorgeous, radiant and a perfect little human.

I didn't mention the pregnancy because it was kind of up and down for me emotionally, though there were no complications or major health issues. I really had nothing to complain about.... except being pregnant, which I wasn't entirely ready for.

That's all water under the bridge now. My daughter is the lodestone of my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Been a while...

Timing is everything.

Sometimes you have so much to say, it crowds up your head and creates a constipation of ideas. And sometimes there is this fear that if you actually write it down, and send it out into cyberspace, it will come back and bite you at some point. I don't feel that each and every thought I have should be given free reign in this space. Some are too volatile to really be expressed safely.

I was going to list all the stresses that I am feeling, and all the things that are currently weighing my spirit down. I was going to describe the depression, Oh excuse me, RECESSION, of my natural positive personality. But I can't. I am too tired. I am emotionally wiped out from actually living through it. I can't make a laundry list of the issues. Putting them down would be overwhelming and crushing to my already fragile emotional state.

This space is supposed to be a cleansing space. A place to let out those thoughts and emotions which keep me from getting a good night's sleep. The replaying of meetings, incidents and "should have said" that torture me all the time in the back of my mind. To sweep the dissatisfaction, disappointment and anxiety out in one, healthy outlet.

But I can't. Timing is everything.