Gender Issues

After some thought on the matter, I have come to this conclusion: I am a complex feminist.

What I mean by that is that I am not a bra-burning woman who thinks that men are sub-humans and anything They can do, We can do better. However, by the same token, I believe that I too am not a sub-human just because I am a woman. In my opinion, men and woman have different strengths and weaknesses, and sometimes you’ll find a woman who is better at using power tools than a man, or a man who is better at shopping than a woman. Every person is unique in ability, interest and talent. Neither person in the example above deserves to be labeled “fey” or put down for their interests. The situation to me shows terrific diversity, especially since I fall into the category of power-tool loving women.

On the other hand, there are some things which I have very traditional, conservative views on when it comes to gender roles. For example, though I want to have a career and reach the top of my profession, I believe it is the role of the man (in a traditional family structure) to be the breadwinner in the family, to provide security and financial stability to the home, to provide for home and hearth, and to give the family all the creature comforts that are possible, within reason. It was always my paradigm that the man “knew” things – perhaps there was mandatory training for boys once they reached puberty in the following subjects: buying a car, (let’s call that “All about Cars” in general because it also includes Fixing the Car, Maintaining the Car, Pumping Gas and Changing the Tires) renting/buying an apartment/house, planning a vacation, chores that Men do (this one also includes Why Men Love Dogs, taking out the trash and a course in “How to NOT treat my home like a #$%@^% dorm room”.)

*Authors Note - I have heard from many an older woman that it takes time for men to learn to have pride in their homes and stop treating them like dumping grounds, dorm rooms and science experiments. Apparently, it’s a rite of passage that nearly every newlywed couple goes through.

Men, I always thought, were Responsible. To me they should carry a pride along with their sense of responsibility. I felt that a man knew that his place was to build up his family, to plan for the future, to have long reaching goals and ambitions, to be the visionary and the leader. I think that my childish expectations probably stem from not having a male figure in my life to learn from, to model my own home life after, and to use as the blueprint of what a Man does.

Perhaps due to my upbringing, I also feel that there are Womanly roles in the Home; decisions that are entirely in the Woman’s purview and are not to be questioned since these are the tasks of which she is master. For example, should a working woman decide that to keep her house clean to a proper and bacteria-free level, she needs to hire help once every 2 weeks for a few hours, well, in my opinion, that is her decision to make. She is the one in charge of maintaining the health of her home and family and she alone is in the position of assessing how much she can realistically get done. Though others may offer to help, it is not consistent and there are many tasks which need to be done on a regular basis in order to maintain a level of cleanliness and bacteria-free zones in the home. I honestly feel that it is absolutely NOT the business of the Man to interfere with the workings of the home. It is the woman’s responsibility and not subject to questioning or censure.

Additionally, I was raised to understand the subtleties in social situations, to know the etiquette called for in certain circumstances, and most of all, to do the right thing. In general, boys are not trained to appreciate cultivating friendships, strengthening bonds, keeping social appointments, and the ripple effects of these seemingly inconsequential affairs. It is easy to keep the same circle of friends forever, though times change, and people grow apart. But to make new friends and cultivate those relationships takes careful work, building, patience – nurturing like a gardener might do.

Why is it that a few decades ago a man would not question his wife when she made social plans for the couple, yet today I meet with resistance and interrogation? Is there something I have done to earn the distrust or suspicion I get when I propose meeting new people or spending time with them? And don’t get me started on how many social engagements we have made together only to back out at the last minute… it makes me totally embarrassed.

Lately, it feels to me that we seem to be having gender issues. I feel that I am being questioned and challenged about things which I ought to have complete autonomy to make decisions about. It seems that there’s a blurring of the lines. Maybe that’s me being an anti-feminist – some kind of throwback to medieval definitions of gender roles. But it’s confusing to me and frustrating because I am beginning to feel under fire in a realm which I always felt extremely secure and capable of executing my duties as I saw them.

By the same token, I think I have an unrealistic, or perhaps highly romanticized and idealized view of what the Man in the house is supposed to be. I’d like to take a good look around and find a model to work from than my girlish preconceptions. I think that too is adding to the gender confusion.

In any case, I don’t think I need to stop playing with power tools.